Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Apparently there are a bunch of companies popping up these days that help you plan for what will happen to your "online life" once you die. So lets say your facebook account and your blog etc. There are services that you can pay about $30 a year for where you hand over all your passwords and info and then when you die I guess someone has to email them to get all your info. I'm not really sure why anyone would need to do this, like if I die who gives a shit what happens to my facebook page, what is my mom going to log on and write on my wall "Sarah's dead, RIP". The last thing I need is her seeing any of the scandalous pictures that people feel the need to tag me in on facebook. It has gotten me thinking though about what will happen to the blog if lets say Aldous and I get trampled by elephants when we're on the Amazing Race. I'm trying to think of who would be able to carry on our legacy, if you're interested please let me know, requirements include lots of free time and no shame.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
This is the title of an article today on CNN.com. I did a double take thinking I must not be reading it correctly but thats exactly what it says. I love when people state the stupidly obvious. Ohhh jobs are needed to end the recession, I thought that if people kept losing their jobs the recession would eventually just end. I'm going to start writing for CNN with shocking articles like "Recession bad for the economy" and "Job loss leads to less people working". I'll probably win a Pulitzer. I hope our blog posts are a little more insightful but God knows I've had my bombs. This reminds me of being in meetings when someone says something completely retarded and you're cringing for them thinking about how they're going to get reamed out and then your boss says "Great point Joe, we should share that with the clients." Man, how I don't miss work.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Theres been a bunch of studies released recently about how people feel about dating the "unemployed", God you would think we were lepers. The good news is that apparently its less of an issue for men when women are unemployed. I really blame those sassy feminists for making it such a big deal for women to have a job. Like wasn't it only 40 years ago when it was cool for women to not work, I'm just trying to uphold American values here. Now when I meet guys at a bar, I tell them that I don't have a job but I love cooking and cleaning and think that men are the superior sex who should be responsible for all decision making and heavy lifting. At least the study says that being unemployed is more attractive than living at home...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Thanks to Andy Samberg I'm never going to get another job...and possibly another date or another friend. Since the day I first saw 'Jizz in My Pants' I have not stopped saying 'jizz in my pants' -- "Hey Sarah, how was the movie? It was so funny I jizzed in my pants", "When you see what that dude is wearing you are going to jizz in your pants". Its a good thing that I'm not actively seeking employment (just kidding NY State) because I'm fairly certain that I couldn't control myself in an interview - "The brand strategy that I developed for my accounts would make you jizz in your pants, sir". I'm practically afraid to answer the phone when my parents call because I'm afraid it will slip out, in which case I would be promptly shipped to the closest convent. Oh and heres the kicker, I just realized about 2 days ago that not everyone is familiar with the video, so probably 50% of people who I've said this to just think I'm a dirty whore. With the subsequent releases of the "I'm on a Boat" and "I'm the Boss" videos this is pretty much what a conversation with me sounds like:
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I'm so excited. I just saw today that there is going to be another season of VH1's Tough Love and they are currently holding auditions. For those of you living under a rock, Tough Love is a reality show where a matchmaker dude helps sluts overcome their dating issues and find love. Its actually humiliating for the girls on the show because you watch them get rejected by guys and cry about how their dads never loved them so now they're scarred for life. The only reason I want to be on it is because each girl is given a nickname, for example Miss Picky or Miss Gold Digger, and I cannot wait to see what name I would be given. Some contenders could be: Miss Boozes-a-lot, Miss Unemployed, Miss Laughs-too-loud, I'm sure my 'friends' have plenty others to add.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Just as I get accustomed to hearing people drone on about the swine flu (if you're in the US, its a cold, go buy some Sudafed) now everyone is talking about the H1N1 virus. I had to google it to find out if they are the same thing and way too many things came up for me to read so I'm going to go ahead and assume they are. I wonder if the national anti-defamation organization of swines boycotted the phrase "swine flu" as slanderous to the pork industry. Either that or people just want to sound like they're talking about chemical equations. I just find it confusing, like when they starting calling the Persian Gulf War, Desert Storm.
That Bernanke dude told Congress today that the economy is bottoming out and should grow again later this year. This'll be good for some of our 'entrepreneurial endeavors' (my response when people ask what I do all day) but I feel like I should do more to take advantage of the situation. I've decided to step up my purchasing of stocks, real estate, boats, and Subway franchises. If anyone would like to join my little empire please contact me and I'll let you know where to drop off your investment/ suitcase with cash. If none of those work out this site's name will be changed to: unemployedeventhoughtheresnoexcuseforit.blogspot.com. We'll keep you posted.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
So I'm at the gym this morning, sweating my ass off on the elliptical machine when the guy on the machine next to me answers his phone. Now this is a major pet peeve of mine, people talking on their phone while working out. Like how hard are you working out if you can talk on the phone? I can barely breathe while I'm working out, nevermind hold a conversation. So this guy answers the phone and says "I think we should buy oil. Its at $2 a barrel." If I hadn't witnessed it I wouldn't believe it myself. I'm pretty sure that this guy was either a) talking to no one or b) talking to his mom. I completely understand that its not only unemployed people at the gym at 11am and that people who are independently wealthy need to stay in shape too but not at my gym. My gym has 3 elliptical machines and one is broken all the time, there is no air conditioning and the trainers there are in worse shape than I am so not exactly a place where big-time investors are hanging out. Maybe he was just trying to impress me, in which case, I'm totally flattered but I'm not into dudes in matching spandex UnderArmour shirts and shorts.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
You've probably heard people talking about it around the water cooler (if you have a job) or at Subway (if you're unemployed) but just in case you didn't...I rode the mechanical bull for so long at Johnny Utahs last week that they eventually just had to stop it. Thats right, the bull eventually just gave up and I have the bruises to prove it. Finally, all my time at the gym has begun to pay off. I know this has absolutely nothing to do with unemployment but in my mind it has everything to do with awesomeness (and yes thats me in the pic). I'm available for lessons.
Monday, April 27, 2009
I realized something funny last week as layoffs continued at the company that I wasted five years of my life at. As soon as someone gets laid off they call me. Literally I am the first phone call they make, before they break the news to their parents or roommates, they call/e-mail me to tell me the news and the e-mail usually ends with "so now we can hang out all the time". First of all, I didn't want to hang out with you when I worked with you (and thought I made that crystal clear at the time) so now that I am not forced to socialize with you I will not be taking time out of my freedom-filled, enjoyable life to do so. Second of all, I am not sitting around doing nothing waiting for people to call me to hang out. I'm actually much more productive now that I don't have a corporate job and actually do a lot less going out. But in all seriousness I think there could be a career in this unemployment counseling. People call me to get the POV of someone who has gotten laid off and couldn't be happier about it. So I tell them about how much better their life is going to be and all the things they are going to be able to do, also where they can get $7 Bud Light pitchers on a Monday night (I have to go out once in a while). The sad thing is that most people are more freaked out by the thought of going to the gym everyday and pursing jobs that they actually like that they jump right back into crappy, dead-end jobs that make them miserable. Oh well, all I can do is try, the faster they get jobs the sooner they'll stop calling me to hang out anyway.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Some woman was just on the Today show talking about "Jobless Etiquette". There was a lot of jibberish talk but she made two good points. One was: if you ask someone what they do and they say "I got laid off" don't act like they just said they have three months to live. I feel much better about saying "I got laid off" then I did about saying what I used to do. Your job starts becoming part of who you are in people's minds and I felt like it made me a tool. So when you respond "Investment banking" I might act like you just said you have three months to live. No offense. The other was that if you're out with a group of people and only one person lost their job, the others should pick up their share of the tab. This is the smartest piece of advice ever given during the Hoda and Kathie Lee hour. Who has a job and wants to go to Per Se?
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
While initially I was really enjoying all the alone time my unemployment afforded me I now find myself seeking out conversation with people I encounter throughout my day. I started with my mail-lady (since I sit outside on the stoop waiting for her everyday she was an obvious choice), she was cool, she likes to smoke cigarettes, which seems dangerous to me given all the paper she deals with, but who I am to judge. Next I moved on to the fruit stand guy (hoping I could haggle him down to 5 bananas for $1) but his English is not so good and there were always a lot of flies around him so I moved on. I've identified some folks at the gym whom I've decided could form a bad-ass posse. These people clearly also have no jobs -- they are there too much, they're in no sort of hurry and rather than avert their eyes when someone looks at them (like most normal people at the gym) they hold your stare hoping a conversation will strike up...and then maybe coffee. In my mind we're all WestSide Story-like with matching sweatbands and Taebo kicks. The problem with the gym crew is that when I want to ditch them, things could get weird around the gym and I don't need anyone pushing me off a threadmill (you can't take those kinds of risks without health insurance).
Saturday, April 18, 2009
So yes blackberries are great and convenient and it did take me a while to adjust to life without one until....I realized that you can take your laptop anywhere! On the bus, in the grocery store, at the park, on dates! Now I'll take my laptop just about anywhere and treat it just like a blackberry. I'll be out to dinner with a friend and we'll be trying to figure out where to go for drinks after and I'll pull my laptop out of my bag and within minutes hellooo Citysearch. I'm thinking I need some sort of strap to go around my neck that I can hang my computer from, theres a business idea for you. I really think with so many people losing their jobs and their precious blackberries that this is going to catch on and become all the rage. I mean if Nicole Richie is already doing it....
Friday, April 17, 2009
It’s impressive when you walk around mid-town Manhattan on weekdays how many awesome lunch deals you find. Like sit down for a three-course meal for under 10 bucks. Ironic, seeing as how most people worried about lunch money probably can’t stroll out for a two-hour meal. They’re apparently meant for very frugal big dawgs. But now, I too can take advantage of these, even if it means eating alone. I came across an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet today for $7.95. I sat down determined to get my money’s worth and didn’t leave until an hour and a half later. I’d talk on the phone in between servings to give my stomach a quick moment to catch its breath. I may have stomach pains for a few more hours but goddamn it, it was worth it. Now I know the joys of being a mid-town big dawg. My next task: figure out what ever happened to The Sizzler.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
While exploring possibilities for my next career I think I've landed on a great one -- dating expert/consultant/matchmaker. I realized this on Friday night when (like many Friday nights) my phone was flooded with picture texts of every outfit my friends own asking me which one to wear on their date (which is strange considering many people have questioned my understanding of 'short' and 'tight'). They're constantly asking me to choose an outfit for them, restaurant or conversation topic. I realize that some may say that I'm not qualified for the job since my dating track record isn't stellar but hey, the Millionaire Matchmaker isn't married and if that isn't a problem for people this shouldn't be either. Plus, according to the article I just read about matchmaking blowing up, there couldn't be a better time. It would be the easiest job in the world for me since unlike a lot of women I actually have common sense. Some examples of the wisdom I dispense that keeps girls flocking to me for advice -- No, do not meet him on a street corner for your first date, meet him at the restaurant; If you wore it to work (and you're a teacher or a stripper) you should not be wearing it on a date; If he hasn't called you in 6 days, he is not in the hospital, do NOT call him. Thats just some free advice, you have to pay if you want more...
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
One of the very (very) few things I miss about work is sitting in meetings when someone says something truly retarded. That kind of statement where everyone is quiet for a few seconds (I’m giggling like a school girl into my notebook) until someone senior to the retard steps in. That senior person will either ignore the comment or politely try and get it to make sense. The same way teachers had to make sense of dumbass answers in elementary school. I used to enjoy those situations back then too. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of bombs in meetings. Big ones, where all you hear are crickets and my boss grinding his teeth. I found my bombs just as entertaining as those of others. That must have been a sign of not caring or something.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
And I'm literally talking about clapping. On more than a few occasions recently I have been asked to clap and get excited on command. One example being the Amazing Race auditions. While we were waiting on line the guy running the show kept yelling "Is everyone excited??? Let me hear you!". Not only was I cringing in disgust but I couldn't even manage to feign excitement. Now don't get me wrong I am a very excitable person, I'm loud and animated but when its being demanded of me I just can't seem to perform. Maybe I'm just missing a phony gene because I had the same problem when it came to my clients at my last job. I just could never really fake anything, like interest in what they were saying or God forbid having to go out for a drink with them(oh, maybe this is why I got laid off). On more than one occasion Aldous and I were in meetings with clients when they would suggest going for a drink and I would freeze in horror at the prospect and usually say "absolutely not" or "only if you leave after one drink but leave your credit card down". We're going to a live taping of a talk show next week and I know they are going to make us do corny shit like wave and laugh on cue, I'm dreading it. I think I'm going to have to start watching Wheel of Fortune to prep for it, those people are fully insane, like they should walk those people off the set and right into the loony bin.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
It truly blows my mind how the Black Eyed Peas are getting away with scamming the world. I just heard their "new" song, are they serious? The Black Eyed Peas have ONE song and they have managed to rename it 15 times and market it as different songs. It cracks me up that people buy their albums...with the same song replayed 15 times. You would save a lot of money if you bought the single and just hit repeat. The thought of them in the studio really makes me laugh, I can just hear Fergie saying, 'wait do you think this sounds too similar to our last song?' And some producer is like 'Nooo, this is totally different, in this song we're saying awwww yeaaa, instead of ohhhh yeaaaa.' They must have the same marketing team as Trader Joes, when Chuck Schumer is done going after Ticketmaster, the Black Eyed Peas should be next on his list.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
What I’m about to say may offend some people but that’s a risk I’m willing to take because I have to speak out. All the press coverage about the Obama’s trip to England has resurrected all these feelings I have about the “royal family”. Do people realize that the Queen doesn’t actually hold any power? That she is just a figurehead that represents ridiculously old, out-of-date and sometimes offensive traditions. I love how the media can’t stop talking about the proper etiquette when meeting the Queen, like who cares? Do we really care if we piss her off? What would the US do without the support of a family with no power and enough family problems to make the Osbournes look healthy. Oh and P.S. Obamas, she totally threw that ipod out – or at one of her handlers, you know shes a total biotch.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
After completely wearing ourselves out at the Unemployment Olympics (I think I threw my arm out on the phone toss so no gym for at least a week) we decided to kick back last night and go for "a drink". Wow, I know its a cliche but seriously, is anyone capable of ever having just one drink?If so, I'd really like to talk to you and get some advice (and potentially counseling). I should have known things were going to get rough when our first beer happened to come in the form of a pitcher -- they just seem so economical, even though you're spending $16 instead of the $4 you had planned -- and it was all downhill from there. Next thing you know we're karaoking to Salt n' Pepa's Shoop with so much enthusiasm you would think we were competing for another free bar tab. Its fascinating how awful and miserable a karaoke bar is until the moment the microphone is in your hands and you convince yourself that you're actually a really good singer, so much better than everyone else, people should pay to watch you perform. After Shoop they wouldn't let us sign up for any more songs...
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Its amazing the things you'll do when you don't have a job and have plenty of time to kill. The latest being, the Unemployment Olympics. If case you haven't heard of it, it was a day put together for unemployed New Yorkers that involved various events, such as 'Pin the blame on your boss' and a race to the unemployment office. We decided to attend because there were prizes including bar tabs, which Aldous actually won and we proceeded to use immediately. It must have been a slow news day because every media outlet showed up to interview participants. After making a pact to not do any interviews, we were practically chasing after reporters by the end of the day, the taste of fame went right to our heads. We're probably going to be discovered, but y'all can say you knew us back when we were just bloggers...
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
I'm sitting here on the couch, exhausted, realizing that I just took a 3 hour trip to Trader Joes, what the hell is wrong with me? Trying to stay on budget I took the bus there and back fighting off mobs of people in the store and waiting on a line that wrapped through every single aisle. You would think that they were giving away shit for free, like what is the draw? The food isn't even that good. In my mind I also carry this false belief that if I'm buying it at Trader Joes its good for you -- like I'm sitting here eating a bucket of "Chocolate Cats" telling myself its ok, its from Trader Joes. Then I get home and look at the labels and realize that if I keep eating all my meals from Trader Joes I'm going to be dead in 5 years. Well kudos to you Trader Joes marketing managers, you have managed to convince me and just about every other retard in New York City that your Hawaiian shirts and "Joes O's" are worth my entire Saturday. I'm going to drown my sorrows in your $3 bottle of Chardonnay.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
All this talk about the recession coming to an end is really starting to freak me out. Now they're saying it could be over by next year, I mean, what is the rush (stop trying to prove yourself Obama). The worse the state of the economy is, the more people feel sorry for me for not having a job (aka the more drinks they buy me) and the better I can mask the fact that I haven't even begun to look for a job with the whole "things are sooo bad, there are no jobs". Its the people with jobs who should be most concerned about the recession ending, they are the ones truly benefiting with all the "recession pricing" -- 2 for 1 drinks, buy a castle for $5, 10 servants willing to work for food. I think we should all band together to ensure that this recession doesn't go anywhere, you can start by maxing out your credit cards, applying for loans you can't pay back and not returning any work bonuses you have received, your help is much appreciated.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
You kind of feel like a tool for trying out. But then you get there and see so many bigger tools that you think "at least I'm not a 40 year-old tool who lives in Burlington, Vermont". Every thing in life is pretty relative. So if you feel like a loser at any point, just try and find a bigger one to give you comfort. I'm pretty sure we're going to be on the show, by the way. We choked up pretty nicely.
So while follow-through was not something we were known for at work (due to our 5 second attention span), when it comes to things not work-related we're doing much better. One example, our renting a car and driving 6 hours to Vermont to audition for the Amazing Race. We feel that the best way to delay ever having to get real jobs is getting on a reality TV show and then living off our 15 minutes of fame for as long as possible (think Tanya from the Real World). Along the drive we encountered a serious epidemic plaguing upper New England -- the lack of oral hygiene and dentistry. So if Amazing Race doesn't pan out we have a great business idea for a bag of teeth you can buy at the grocery store. Either that or "So You Think You Can Dance".
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
A) if I had to give advice on that kind of thing it'd be mostly bullshit and B) he should do something different with his life, and that may be kind of a downer for a kid who just majored in it. So if you ever read this dude, you're welcome.
And to everyone graduating this year from college, good timing with the whole being born in the late 80's thing.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Instead of picking up a book I decided to go watch My Bloody Valentine in 3D. Yep, retarded and awesome at the same time.