Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Movin' On Up

You asked for it and now we've delivered (weird considering we never followed up on anything at work). As we branch out and move on to bigger and better, turns out our awesomeness can no longer be confined by this lame blog. Plus we have a lot more stories from our past lives as corporate slaves that we needed to share. 

So save this in your bookmarks, tell your friends and find us cool jobs.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Digital Will

Apparently there are a bunch of companies popping up these days that help you plan for what will happen to your "online life" once you die. So lets say your facebook account and your blog etc. There are services that you can pay about $30 a year for where you hand over all your passwords and info and then when you die I guess someone has to email them to get all your info. I'm not really sure why anyone would need to do this, like if I die who gives a shit what happens to my facebook page, what is my mom going to log on and write on my wall "Sarah's dead, RIP". The last thing I need is her seeing any of the scandalous pictures that people feel the need to tag me in on facebook. It has gotten me thinking though about what will happen to the blog if lets say Aldous and I get trampled by elephants when we're on the Amazing Race. I'm trying to think of who would be able to carry on our legacy, if you're interested please let me know, requirements include lots of free time and no shame.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Jobs needed to end recession

This is the title of an article today on CNN.com. I did a double take thinking I must not be reading it correctly but thats exactly what it says. I love when people state the stupidly obvious. Ohhh jobs are needed to end the recession, I thought that if people kept losing their jobs the recession would eventually just end. I'm going to start writing for CNN with shocking articles like "Recession bad for the economy" and "Job loss leads to less people working". I'll probably win a Pulitzer. I hope our blog posts are a little more insightful but God knows I've had my bombs. This reminds me of being in meetings when someone says something completely retarded and you're cringing for them thinking about how they're going to get reamed out and then your boss says "Great point Joe, we should share that with the clients." Man, how I don't miss work.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Dating the Unemployed

Theres been a bunch of studies released recently about how people feel about dating the "unemployed", God you would think we were lepers. The good news is that apparently its less of an issue for men when women are unemployed. I really blame those sassy feminists for making it such a big deal for women to have a job. Like wasn't it only 40 years ago when it was cool for women to not work, I'm just trying to uphold American values here. Now when I meet guys at a bar, I tell them that I don't have a job but I love cooking and cleaning and think that men are the superior sex who should be responsible for all decision making and heavy lifting. At least the study says that being unemployed is more attractive than living at home...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Aging in Unemployment

Do I have a problem or are most people scared of getting older? Some people (who I believe are full of shit) love to say that they love getting older because it brings "wisdom" and "confidence" and a bunch of other crap. I like to think I'm pretty wise and confident now, so I'll pass on the arthritis and memory loss. I don't worry about turning 30, I worry about getting old and dying. And just to prove that the grass is always greener I used to be very worried about getting old in a job I hated. I was going to look back at my life and say "that sucked". Now I sometimes worry that I'll look back on my life and think "wow, I didn't have a job for 50 years and live in a box. That wasn't a good choice either." I guess if you get old enough you start thinking the box is a mansion or like a cool lounge area in heaven.  

Monday, May 11, 2009


I just read that the U.S. economy loses over $148 billion a year in reduced productivity or absenteeism due to hangovers. I'm pretty sure a big chunk of that was solely from me and Sarah's old office. I would attribute close to a billion dollars to myself alone. It really wasn't even my fault a lot of times. They'd serve booze at any ridiculous office event. "We won a small portion of the tiniest piece of business on earth, let's have beers", "a client is coming in, wine in the lobby",  "we lost tons of business, shots", "nothing's going on on facebook, let's drop acid". 
Think of how much less severe this great depression thing would have been if people had stopped drinking about a year ago.  So to you employed people, think about it next time you have a drink on a workday. I on the other hand will continue to drink guilt free. 

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Battle to the Death

People are always saying they, or their office, or their group of friends or their something deserve a reality show. Normally, I agree politely but know their show would suck more than "Two and a Half Men". And then I sat through most of an episode of the Hills. No one...no human being on earth deserves a reality show less than that group of people. Nothing happens in their lives that is even kinda interesting, except for when Audrina wears bathing suits. So I have an idea for MTV: all the Hills cast members battle to the death (this is filmed) and the last one alive gets to start over with their own show. If that winner will continue to get free tickets to Cabo, Hawaii and free drinks at every club then I'll consider playing a secondary role. So I'll be like that dude Frankie. And don't think you can steal my idea now MTV, it's been documented. I'm like a lawyer. 

Friday, May 8, 2009

Jizz in My Pants

Thanks to Andy Samberg I'm never going to get another job...and possibly another date or another friend. Since the day I first saw 'Jizz in My Pants' I have not stopped saying 'jizz in my pants' -- "Hey Sarah, how was the movie? It was so funny I jizzed in my pants", "When you see what that dude is wearing you are going to jizz in your pants". Its a good thing that I'm not actively seeking employment (just kidding NY State) because I'm fairly certain that I couldn't control myself in an interview - "The brand strategy that I developed for my accounts would make you jizz in your pants, sir". I'm practically afraid to answer the phone when my parents call because I'm afraid it will slip out, in which case I would be promptly shipped to the closest convent.  Oh and heres the kicker, I just realized about 2 days ago that not everyone is familiar with the video, so probably 50% of people who I've said this to just think I'm a dirty whore. With the subsequent releases of the "I'm on a Boat" and "I'm the Boss" videos this is pretty much what a conversation with me sounds like:
Anyone: How was the food last night?
Sarah: Awesome, I jizzed in my pants.
Anyone: What are you doing today?
Sarah: I'm on a boat
Anyone: When are you updating the blog?
Sarah: I'm the boss
I know, I'm awesome.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Small Business Resources

As you may know (from having read our "Internet Therapy" interview) both Sarah and I are working on our own 'entrepreneurial endeavors'. Once you start digging it's pretty impressive the amount of free stuff and advice you can get from the city for your small business. So we've been to two different classes this week offered by the Small Business Branch of the public library. I'm gonna say they were good because I felt productive being there, but I can't vouch for the actual content. I zoned out two minutes into it, kept looking at my watch, and had to focus pretty hard so that Sarah's non-stop giggling at the weird teacher wouldn't make me laugh. Most people there were pretty old so at least we have a head start. Most of them had trouble with words and numbers too so competition won't be that bad either. But thanks city for doing something with some of my tax dollars.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Tough Love

I'm so excited. I just saw today that there is going to be another season of VH1's Tough Love and they are currently holding auditions. For those of you living under a rock, Tough Love is a reality show where a matchmaker dude helps sluts overcome their dating issues and find love. Its actually humiliating for the girls on the show because you watch them get rejected by guys and cry about how their dads never loved them so now they're scarred for life. The only reason I want to be on it is because each girl is given a nickname, for example Miss Picky or Miss Gold Digger, and I cannot wait to see what name I would be given. Some contenders could be: Miss Boozes-a-lot, Miss Unemployed, Miss Laughs-too-loud, I'm sure my 'friends' have plenty others to add.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

What the F is H1N1?

Just as I get accustomed to hearing people drone on about the swine flu (if you're in the US, its a cold, go buy some Sudafed) now everyone is talking about the H1N1 virus. I had to google it to find out if they are the same thing and way too many things came up for me to read so I'm going to go ahead and assume they are. I wonder if the national anti-defamation organization of swines boycotted the phrase "swine flu" as slanderous to the pork industry. Either that or people just want to sound like they're talking about chemical equations. I just find it confusing, like when they starting calling the Persian Gulf War, Desert Storm.

Economy Bottoming Out

That Bernanke dude told Congress today that the economy is bottoming out and should grow again later this year. This'll be good for some of our 'entrepreneurial endeavors' (my response when people ask what I do all day) but I feel like I should do more to take advantage of the situation. I've decided to step up my purchasing of stocks, real estate, boats, and Subway franchises. If anyone would like to join my little empire please contact me and I'll let you know where to drop off your investment/ suitcase with cash. If none of those work out this site's name will be changed to: unemployedeventhoughtheresnoexcuseforit.blogspot.com. We'll keep you posted.

Monday, May 4, 2009

I'm scared of Duane Reade workers

For those of you outside New York, Duane Reade is the equivalent of CVS except instead of sweet old ladies, their employees are from a work-release program and there to intimidate customers rather than help them find toilet paper. I think its pretty safe to say that Duane Reade is the only place in the city where you can get a box of HotPockets and an ass-whooping in the same trip. I've wandered around the store for hours trying to find paper clips, doing my best invisible impression, because asking someone to help you would be received with either "yo bitch I'm on break" or "I don't fuckin know, get out of my face". Once there was a woman in line in front of me (clearly new to town) who thought the price on one of her items was wrong so she nicely said "I think that's $1.99" (everyone in the store let out a loud gasp), the criminal-in-training working behind the counter responded with "lady, there is no need to get loud, I don't know the price of every item in the store, do you want it or not?" and then walked away and never came back. I slowly put my items down and ran out of the store before there was a shoot out. I keep telling myself that if I got a job there I would shoot right to the top of the Duane Reade management ladder but I'm starting to wonder if part of the interview process is proving that you can 'cut a bitch' and hold your own in a fist fight and I haven't been in a fist fight in months...

Friday, May 1, 2009

Lil' Kim

I'm talking to my parents on the phone last night - the usual deal where they are both on the phone from different wings of the house - when my mom asks me if I watch 'Dancing with the Stars'. My immediate thought is that I really dislike the idea of them watching 20 year olds with very little clothing on bumping and grinding on the dance floor. Once I got that imagine out of my head I tell them that I don't watch it. My mom proceeds to tell me that there are only 5 couples left and goes through each one "...wait, I'm missing one, Giles, Melissa...oh, Lil' Kim!". And she doesn't say "Little Kim", she actually says "Lil' Kim", now picture my 68 year old, 5'1 mom with her thick Irish accent saying that and you'll know why I was so concerned. I asked her if she knew that Lil' Kim had been in prison and she practically yelled in my face "it was only a misdemeanor!" Wow. At least I know I'll have their support when I start robbing convenience stores.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Swine Flu

Swine Flu? For realz? What the fuck? I don't have health insurance for a minute and it's like the goddamn movie Outbreak (or some people have said 28 Days Later but I didn't watch that). What are the odds? I never get sick so I decide to take my chances and not get health insurance and now a cold that pigs get is attacking the world. A fucking pig cold. So now I'm debating this whole face mask thing. It makes you look like a paranoid dumbass and I'm not convinced it keeps anything out. It seems like a very primitive form of protection so I'm not buying it. I don't care what "medical professionals" say. Michael Jackson was really ahead of the game on this one.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Other People's Homework

I just did homework for a friend. An 8 page paper on ethics in education. Just cause I had some free time. Homework was my arch-nemesis for 17 years but maybe it's a good way to make some extra dough, or in this case get a free Subway footlong. So if anyone needs any help with a paper let me know. I have a few rules though, it must be the kind of paper that can be filled with lots of bullshit, it must not require much, if any, research, and has a short minimum page requirement (no limits on font size or double spacing). And I don't remember how to properly site sources so you'll be responsible for that.

This unemployment thing has made me really well rounded...if you count going to a taping of Martha Stewart, winning an unemployment olympics event, and helping everyone move being well rounded.

And no, I'm not hanging out with high schoolers, it was homework for a masters degree. Just kidding, all my friends are in high school.  

Kill some time

Two videos for those of you bored at your offices (and who isn't?) and those of you bored on your couch (I don't know why that would bore you).

Like a Boss

*best line: "promote synergy". Synergy is the most common "try and use a business-y type" word. 

Tea Partay

* yes, it's old, I know. It's still funny though. Jerk.

Should we buy oil?

So I'm at the gym this morning, sweating my ass off on the elliptical machine when the guy on the machine next to me answers his phone. Now this is a major pet peeve of mine, people talking on their phone while working out. Like how hard are you working out if you can talk on the phone? I can barely breathe while I'm working out, nevermind hold a conversation. So this guy answers the phone and says "I think we should buy oil. Its at $2 a barrel." If I hadn't witnessed it I wouldn't believe it myself. I'm pretty sure that this guy was either a) talking to no one or b) talking to his mom. I completely understand that its not only unemployed people at the gym at 11am and that people who are independently wealthy need to stay in shape too but not at my gym. My gym has 3 elliptical machines and one is broken all the time, there is no air conditioning and the trainers there are in worse shape than I am so not exactly a place where big-time investors are hanging out. Maybe he was just trying to impress me, in which case, I'm totally flattered but I'm not into dudes in matching spandex UnderArmour shirts and shorts.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

In case you hadn't heard...

You've probably heard people talking about it around the water cooler (if you have a job) or at Subway (if you're unemployed) but just in case you didn't...I rode the mechanical bull for so long at Johnny Utahs last week that they eventually just had to stop it. Thats right, the bull eventually just gave up and I have the bruises to prove it. Finally, all my time at the gym has begun to pay off. I know this has absolutely nothing to do with unemployment but in my mind it has everything to do with awesomeness (and yes thats me in the pic). I'm available for lessons.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Unemployment Grief Counselor

I realized something funny last week as layoffs continued at the company that I wasted five years of my life at. As soon as someone gets laid off they call me. Literally I am the first phone call they make, before they break the news to their parents or roommates, they call/e-mail me to tell me the news and the e-mail usually ends with "so now we can hang out all the time". First of all, I didn't want to hang out with you when I worked with you (and thought I made that crystal clear at the time) so now that I am not forced to socialize with you I will not be taking time out of my freedom-filled, enjoyable life to do so. Second of all, I am not sitting around doing nothing waiting for people to call me to hang out. I'm actually much more productive now that I don't have a corporate job and actually do a lot less going out. But in all seriousness I think there could be a career in this unemployment counseling. People call me to get the POV of someone who has gotten laid off and couldn't be happier about it. So I tell them about how much better their life is going to be and all the things they are going to be able to do, also where they can get $7 Bud Light pitchers on a Monday night (I have to go out once in a while). The sad thing is that most people are more freaked out by the thought of going to the gym everyday and pursing jobs that they actually like that they jump right back into crappy, dead-end jobs that make them miserable. Oh well, all I can do is try, the faster they get jobs the sooner they'll stop calling me to hang out anyway

Friday, April 24, 2009

I have a blog

While getting bombarded with the barrage of questions about what I've been doing with my time I told someone at a party this weekend that I "had a blog". Granted I've told this to a quite a few people in the past few months but mostly friends of mine who aren't judging me. As I was telling this almost stranger that I "had a blog" I realized what a total tool I am. Like who has a blog? Up until the minute this blog was created Aldous and I had no idea what a blog was. To set it up I googled "how to set up a blog". We used to throw the term around in meetings to prove we really had our fingers on the pulse of society but for all we knew a blog was the latest Trader Joes cookie offering. While we were working we probably would have curbed anyone who told us they had a blog but now its my main conversation piece at dinner. Unemployment has really changed me, next thing you know I'll be reading Wired magazine and using a Kindle -- yea right, I'll never be that much of a tool.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Jobless Etiquette

Some woman was just on the Today show talking about "Jobless Etiquette". There was a lot of jibberish talk but she made two good points. One was: if you ask someone what they do and they say "I got laid off" don't act like they just said they have three months to live. I feel much better about saying "I got laid off" then I did about saying what I used to do. Your job starts becoming part of who you are in people's minds and I felt like it made me a tool. So when you respond "Investment banking" I might act like you just said you have three months to live. No offense. The other was that if you're out with a group of people and only one person lost their job, the others should pick up their share of the tab. This is the smartest piece of advice ever given during the Hoda and Kathie Lee hour. Who has a job and wants to go to Per Se?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

My new crew

While initially I was really enjoying all the alone time my unemployment afforded me I now find myself seeking out conversation with people I encounter throughout my day. I started with my mail-lady (since I sit outside on the stoop waiting for her everyday she was an obvious choice), she was cool, she likes to smoke cigarettes, which seems dangerous to me given all the paper she deals with, but who I am to judge. Next I moved on to the fruit stand guy (hoping I could haggle him down to 5 bananas for $1) but his English is not so good and there were always a lot of flies around him so I moved on. I've identified some folks at the gym whom I've decided could form a bad-ass posse. These people clearly also have no jobs -- they are there too much, they're in no sort of hurry and rather than avert their eyes when someone looks at them (like most normal people at the gym) they hold your stare hoping a conversation will strike up...and then maybe coffee. In my mind we're all WestSide Story-like with matching sweatbands and Taebo kicks. The problem with the gym crew is that when I want to ditch them, things could get weird around the gym and I don't need anyone pushing me off a threadmill (you can't take those kinds of risks without health insurance).

Eye pokes and kicks in the balls

I poked myself in the eye yesterday and it reminded me of being a kid for some reason. As I thought about it I realized that it's because throughout the single digit years two injuries alternate happening every other day - getting poked in the eye and hurting your balls. I'm not sure if it's P.E. class or recess or just people wanting to kick you in the balls but somehow both of those things happen all the time. I don't know if for girls it might be eye pokes and boob injuries, but probably not. Even if it was, it wouldn't be the same. I get the feeling a boob injury is as painful as popping a small zit. And it probably doesn't spread throughout your torso. So while I don't miss either injury I'd probably pick both over having to "grow up".

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Who needs a blackberry

So yes blackberries are great and convenient and it did take me a while to adjust to life without one until....I realized that you can take your laptop anywhere! On the bus, in the grocery store, at the park, on dates! Now I'll take my laptop just about anywhere and treat it just like a blackberry. I'll be out to dinner with a friend and we'll be trying to figure out where to go for drinks after and I'll pull my laptop out of my bag and within minutes hellooo Citysearch. I'm thinking I need some sort of strap to go around my neck that I can hang my computer from, theres a business idea for you. I really think with so many people losing their jobs and their precious blackberries that this is going to catch on and become all the rage. I mean if Nicole Richie is already doing it....

Friday, April 17, 2009

Lunch Deals

It’s impressive when you walk around mid-town Manhattan on weekdays how many awesome lunch deals you find. Like sit down for a three-course meal for under 10 bucks. Ironic, seeing as how most people worried about lunch money probably can’t stroll out for a two-hour meal. They’re apparently meant for very frugal big dawgs. But now, I too can take advantage of these, even if it means eating alone. I came across an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet today for $7.95. I sat down determined to get my money’s worth and didn’t leave until an hour and a half later. I’d talk on the phone in between servings to give my stomach a quick moment to catch its breath.  I may have stomach pains for a few more hours but goddamn it, it was worth it. Now I know the joys of being a mid-town big dawg. My next task: figure out what ever happened to The Sizzler.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

My next job

While exploring possibilities for my next career I think I've landed on a great one -- dating expert/consultant/matchmaker. I realized this on Friday night when (like many Friday nights) my phone was flooded with picture texts of every outfit my friends own asking me which one to wear on their date (which is strange considering many people have questioned my understanding of 'short' and 'tight'). They're constantly asking me to choose an outfit for them, restaurant or conversation topic. I realize that some may say that I'm not qualified for the job since my dating track record isn't stellar but hey, the Millionaire Matchmaker isn't married and if that isn't a problem for people this shouldn't be either. Plus, according to the article I just read about matchmaking blowing up, there couldn't be a better time. It would be the easiest job in the world for me since unlike a lot of women I actually have common sense. Some examples of the wisdom I dispense that keeps girls flocking to me for advice -- No, do not meet him on a street corner for your first date, meet him at the restaurant; If you wore it to work (and you're a teacher or a stripper) you should not be wearing it on a date; If he hasn't called you in 6 days, he is not in the hospital, do NOT call him. Thats just some free advice, you have to pay if you want more...

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Blowin' Up

A fan of the blog and fellow blogger, the very cool Morgan Haines interviewed Aldous and I about our lives as unemployed assholes and posted it on her blog (which is way nicer and more professional looking than ours). Thanks Morgan, our egos have officially exploded, next stop Larry King. Check it out:

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Retards in meetings

One of the very (very) few things I miss about work is sitting in meetings when someone says something truly retarded. That kind of statement where everyone is quiet for a few seconds (I’m giggling like a school girl into my notebook) until someone senior to the retard steps in. That senior person will either ignore the comment or politely try and get it to make sense. The same way teachers had to make sense of dumbass answers in elementary school. I used to enjoy those situations back then too. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of bombs in meetings.  Big ones, where all you hear are crickets and my boss grinding his teeth. I found my bombs just as entertaining as those of others. That must have been a sign of not caring or something.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Do you do Powerpoint?

While visiting my parents for the weekend I ran into a lot of neighbors and family friends who I haven't seen in a while. One minute into conversation they all asked how work was or if I had to go back to work on Monday. Welllll...apparently my parents haven't notified the locals that the only job I'm doing is trying to name every cast member of the 21 seasons of Real World. After notifying everyone that I am "permanently on vacation" and letting them know that I've been that way for 8 weeks, many of them asked bizarre questions that I know are a direct result of the Today show pieces they have seen about how to find a job in a recession. Keeping in mind that we are talking about the 50+ generation, a common question (my parents asked this as well) was "Can you use the Internet to find a job?", I told them "no, the Internet was just a fad, newspapers are all the rage now and I can't afford to buy one". But my favorite was definitely, "Do you know how to use powerpoint?", this question really intrigued me so I enthusiastically would answer "Yes!" hoping they knew of some awesome job where I get paid handsomely to add clip art to a slide and make sure all the bullets line up. But sadly that response was followed by "oh oh thats good, thats very important." I'm fairly confident that none of those people have a clue what powerpoint is because if they did they would know that its about as archaic and useless as Lotus Notes. But on that note, if anyone knows of a job where "powerpoint" is the only requirement please let me know, I'm excellent at making intersecting circles and shading. 

Shirley Temples

So I'm out to dinner with my parents this weekend and we're sitting next to a table with 3 kids,all drinking Shirley Temples. This prompts my parents to start talking about how when I was a kid I was "obsessed" with Shirley Temples. I figured that now, at almost 30 years old, was the time I should tell them that the reason I pounded Shirley Temples from age 5 to 10 was because I was fully convinced there was booze in them. They came in a glass with a stir and cheeries so clearly that meant there was some serious alcohol in them. After I got "bombed" off my 5 ST's I did what I had learned was protocol when you're raging drunk -- tear up the dance floor. After wearing myself out my parents would try and tell me its time to leave at which point I would give them "the hand" and tell them I was "going out". I would storm out of the bar and promptly fall fast asleep in the parking lot. Best part was that instead of calling it a night my parents would eventually come get me and put me under their table at the bar and proceed to enjoy drinks a little stronger than Shirley Temples. And I wonder where I got it..

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Real Housewives of New Jersey

God damnit. I have spent a good portion of the last 10 years of my life as an unofficial spokesperson for the state of New Jersey and now one show is not only going to undo all my hard work but set us back another 20 years -- thank you "The real, dirty, whore housewives of New Jersey". I just saw the preview for the show and wept for 20 minutes afterwards. Was True Life "I have a Jersey shore house" not enough? Did that not do enough to confirm the stereotypes that everyone from New Jersey wears wife beaters and will start a fight with an ant? I grew up in New Jersey and didn't realize till I went to college that everyone didn't love it as much as I did. The first time someone said I was from the "garbage state" I went back to my room, cried and called all my New Jersey friends who were attending various colleges on the East Coast to discover that they were receiving the same abuse. Listen, I understand that there are points when you're driving on the turnpike where it smells like death and that there are a lot more cigarette butts and stereos on the Jersey shore than most beaches but no state is perfect. I've traveled a good part of this country and can tell you that some of the trashiest people and places I've seen have been in Golden, Colorado and Philadelphia. I'm pretty positive that Bloomberg or the state of Connecticut are funding all this anti-New-Jersey TV propaganda. I mean, come on, I don't even think those "real housewhores" are even women, never mind from New Jersey.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I'm just not a clapper

And I'm literally talking about clapping. On more than a few occasions recently I have been asked to clap and get excited on command. One example being the Amazing Race auditions. While we were waiting on line the guy running the show kept yelling "Is everyone excited??? Let me hear you!". Not only was I cringing in disgust but I couldn't even manage to feign excitement. Now don't get me wrong I am a very excitable person, I'm loud and animated but when its being demanded of me I just can't seem to perform. Maybe I'm just missing a phony gene because I had the same problem when it came to my clients at my last job. I just could never really fake anything, like interest in what they were saying or God forbid having to go out for a drink with them(oh, maybe this is why I got laid off). On more than one occasion Aldous and I were in meetings with clients when they would suggest going for a drink and I would freeze in horror at the prospect and usually say "absolutely not" or "only if you leave after one drink but leave your credit card down". We're going to a live taping of a talk show next week and I know they are going to make us do corny shit like wave and laugh on cue, I'm dreading it. I think I'm going to have to start watching Wheel of Fortune to prep for it, those people are fully insane, like they should walk those people off the set and right into the loony bin.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Free Shit

I've heard stories about people writing companies to compliment their products and in return getting free shit. Like if you write Kellogg's and ramble about how awesome Pop-Tarts are they'll send you a bunch of boxes as a 'thank you'.  I mentioned this to someone recently and they said Oprah had a whole show on it. I thanked that person for the info and then punched them for watching Oprah. Kellogg's can only send out so many Pop-Tarts, so I'm hoping Oprah hasn't ruined it for me by getting a ton of people to try out that move. So on my to-do list for tomorrow is send complimentary hand-written letters (to show you're really sincere) to people I want free shit from. So far I have: Post to get free Blueberry Morning cereal, Jack Link's for free beef jerky, and my management company for free rent. I think it's gonna work for all three of those.

Monday, April 6, 2009

So what do you do?

I can't decide if it was worse when people asked me this when I had a job or now that I don't. When I had that job I hated I was always so depressed to tell people about it, I would mumble 'advertising' and walk away. After a few rum and cokes sometimes 'advertising' would turn into 'I create, design and produce all of Nike's advertising' but otherwise the question just reminded me how miserable I was in my job and how badly I needed to get out of it. Now that I'm unemployed I've seen the reaction I get to 'I got laid off' which at first was funny just to see people skirm but now its kinda annoying telling people that I'm really happy and it was the best thing that ever happened to me because no one believes it, even though its 100% true. So my latest thing is straight up lying and I'm really starting to like it. I started out slow with "I have a bookdeal" but I'm ready to take this to the big leagues -- I'm thinking "I do wardrobe for Rock of Love" or "I teach bears how to ride tricycles for the circus". I'm accepting suggestions...


I used to hate blackberries, mostly because it meant people from work expected me to be available at all times. People have even started adding co-workers to their BB pin contacts. That shit's tricky because you can tell when someone has read the message. So you want to know what some dumbass co-worker is pinning you about but don't want to have to respond.  But now that no one has any reason to harass or annoy the shit out of me I kind of want one again. I'm not really sure what I would use it for since the only emails I get are from vendors of viagra and lovely ladies looking for a good time. I could facebook from the bus though. If I ever decipher the bus system.

Black Eyed Peas

It truly blows my mind how the Black Eyed Peas are getting away with scamming the world. I just heard their "new" song, are they serious? The Black Eyed Peas have ONE song and they have managed to rename it 15 times and market it as different songs. It cracks me up that people buy their albums...with the same song replayed 15 times. You would save a lot of money if you bought the single and just hit repeat. The thought of them in the studio really makes me laugh, I can just hear Fergie saying, 'wait do you think this sounds too similar to our last song?' And some producer is like 'Nooo, this is totally different, in this song we're saying awwww yeaaa, instead of ohhhh yeaaaa.' They must have the same marketing team as Trader Joes, when Chuck Schumer is done going after Ticketmaster, the Black Eyed Peas should be next on his list.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Royal Family

What I’m about to say may offend some people but that’s a risk I’m willing to take because I have to speak out. All the press coverage about the Obama’s trip to England has resurrected all these feelings I have about the “royal family”. Do people realize that the Queen doesn’t actually hold any power? That she is just a figurehead that represents ridiculously old, out-of-date and sometimes offensive traditions. I love how the media can’t stop talking about the proper etiquette when meeting the Queen, like who cares? Do we really care if we piss her off? What would the US do without the support of a family with no power and enough family problems to make the Osbournes look healthy. Oh and P.S. Obamas, she totally threw that ipod out – or at one of her handlers, you know shes a total biotch.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Burning Bridges

So after doing some reconnaissance on press coverage for the event described below I learned that many, many major news outlets have either one or both of us claiming to have hated our old jobs passionately. I'm not saying that that is incorrect, but I'm not sure I used that word. I may have though. I learned I'll say and do anything if you put a camera in front of me. I think I took my pants off at one point.

Thursday, April 2, 2009


After completely wearing ourselves out at the Unemployment Olympics (I think I threw my arm out on the phone toss so no gym for at least a week) we decided to kick back last night and go for "a drink". Wow, I know its a cliche but seriously, is anyone capable of ever having just one drink?If so, I'd really like to talk to you and get some advice (and potentially counseling). I should have known things were going to get rough when our first beer happened to come in the form of a pitcher -- they just seem so economical, even though you're spending $16 instead of the $4 you had planned -- and it was all downhill from there. Next thing you know we're karaoking to Salt n' Pepa's Shoop with so much enthusiasm you would think we were competing for another free bar tab. Its fascinating how awful and miserable a karaoke bar is until the moment the microphone is in your hands and you convince yourself that you're actually a really good singer, so much better than everyone else, people should pay to watch you perform. After Shoop they wouldn't let us sign up for any more songs...

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The things we'll do for free booze

Its amazing the things you'll do when you don't have a job and have plenty of time to kill. The latest being, the Unemployment Olympics. If case you haven't heard of it, it was a day put together for unemployed New Yorkers that involved various events, such as 'Pin the blame on your boss' and a race to the unemployment office. We decided to attend because there were prizes including bar tabs, which Aldous actually won and we proceeded to use immediately. It must have been a slow news day because every media outlet showed up to interview participants. After making a pact to not do any interviews, we were practically chasing after reporters by the end of the day, the taste of fame went right to our heads. We're probably going to be discovered, but y'all can say you knew us back when we were just bloggers...

$5 Footlongs

If you've ever "dined" at Subway you know that most six inch subs are just under five bucks. So now, with this whole five dollar footlong thing, you get twice as much sandwich for an extra eleven cents. Like any normal human being I cannot pass up this deal and always get the footlong regardless of how not hungry I am. After forcing myself to eat many a footlong and wanting to vomit every time I think I came up with a plan. I'll stand outside of Subways and ask people to get the footlong and give me the half they don't/ shouldn't want. Then I'll either start a charity that gives food to homeless people or eat them myself. If I go with the first option I could probably get into a good business school or something like that.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Anxiety Attacks

I feel like anxiety attacks are all the rage these days. Maybe it's because there's so much stress going around. I don't know why people stress out. It's not worth it and unproductive. Even if you stress out you'll still have the same problem except you might also end up breathing into a paper bag like nerds in movies from the 80's. And calling 911 can get expensive. Trust me.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Trader Joes fools me again

I'm sitting here on the couch, exhausted, realizing that I just took a 3 hour trip to Trader Joes, what the hell is wrong with me? Trying to stay on budget I took the bus there and back fighting off mobs of people in the store and waiting on a line that wrapped through every single aisle. You would think that they were giving away shit for free, like what is the draw? The food isn't even that good. In my mind I also carry this false belief that if I'm buying it at Trader Joes its good for you -- like I'm sitting here eating a bucket of "Chocolate Cats" telling myself its ok, its from Trader Joes. Then I get home and look at the labels and realize that if I keep eating all my meals from Trader Joes I'm going to be dead in 5 years. Well kudos to you Trader Joes marketing managers, you have managed to convince me and just about every other retard in New York City that your Hawaiian shirts and "Joes O's" are worth my entire Saturday. I'm going to drown my sorrows in your $3 bottle of Chardonnay.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Has anyone heard of Facebook?

About a week ago I got the piece of mail that every unemployed person dreads - I got selected for a meeting with the Unemployment Office (so I figure I'm busted). I go there this morning expecting, given the state of NYC's economy, to see a lot of people like myself (young, good-looking, well-dressed) but instead it was every unemployed stereotype come to life -- people who look like they've been living off unemployment since Crazy Eddie's closed down and this was the first time they have left their house. I really wish I took a picture of the woman running the session, she was 95 years old, wearing sunglasses and a trenchcoat - I am in no way exaggerating. So shes telling us about all the great resources the worldwide web has available to us - for example, Facebook. "Does anyone here do facebook and can you tell us what is it". At this point there are tears rolling down my face I'm laughing so hard, I look up expecting everyone to be rolling their eyes but no, someone actually raises their hand and explains to the freaks that Facebook is a networking site where you can reconnect with people you've lost touch with, seriously, I'm not joking, people were taking notes. We go through this same thing with LinkedIn and pretty much every website. And that was it, seriously, then it was over, at least I know now that if this is what the government is doing to get people back to work the recession will go on forever, thank you government.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Not so fast Recession

All this talk about the recession coming to an end is really starting to freak me out. Now they're saying it could be over by next year, I mean, what is the rush (stop trying to prove yourself Obama). The worse the state of the economy is, the more people feel sorry for me for not having a job (aka the more drinks they buy me) and the better I can mask the fact that I haven't even begun to look for a job with the whole "things are sooo bad, there are no jobs". Its the people with jobs who should be most concerned about the recession ending, they are the ones truly benefiting with all the "recession pricing" -- 2 for 1 drinks, buy a castle for $5, 10 servants willing to work for food. I think we should all band together to ensure that this recession doesn't go anywhere, you can start by maxing out your credit cards, applying for loans you can't pay back and not returning any work bonuses you have received, your help is much appreciated.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Amazing Race

You kind of feel like a tool for trying out. But then you get there and see so many bigger tools that you think "at least I'm not a 40 year-old tool who lives in Burlington, Vermont". Every thing in life is pretty relative. So if you feel like a loser at any point, just try and find a bigger one to give you comfort. I'm pretty sure we're going to be on the show, by the way. We choked up pretty nicely.

You sir, are missing a lot of teeth

So while follow-through was not something we were known for at work (due to our 5 second attention span), when it comes to things not work-related we're doing much better. One example, our renting a car and driving 6 hours to Vermont to audition for the Amazing Race. We feel that the best way to delay ever having to get real jobs is getting on a reality TV show and then living off our 15 minutes of fame for as long as possible (think Tanya from the Real World). Along the drive we encountered a serious epidemic plaguing upper New England -- the lack of oral hygiene and dentistry. So if Amazing Race doesn't pan out we have a great business idea for a bag of teeth you can buy at the grocery store. Either that or "So You Think You Can Dance".

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Reality TV

So I think a really good activity for the unemployed could be trying to get on reality shows. One of my first thoughts was True Life on MTV because they follow people around for no reason. Maybe not no reason, but pretty dumbass reasons. Like you're from Staten Island or have a pet. If you go MTV.com you can check out upcoming show topics. They include: "I'm unhappy with my small breasts", "I'm unhappy with my large breasts" and "I'm a guido". None of those work for me. You think they'd do "I'm unemployed". It'd be a really easy production for the crew because they'd only have to move the camera from my bedroom to my couch. Sporadically follow me to the kitchen and then back to the couch. It'd be awesome. So I think I'm gonna go for the Amazing Race instead.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Unpaid waiting week -- what the f&*#!

For those of you who still have jobs let me know tell you about what you have to look forward to -- an unpaid waiting week. This is what the government calls your first week of unemployment and decides that you don't need to be paid for. Apparently this is my punishment for getting laid off, as if the process of trying to get unemployment in the first place wasn't enough.  I mean, for all they know I could have 10 kids at home living off a bucket of KFC waiting for that check so  I could buy an 8-ball. Luckily, things haven't gotten that bad, yet.  

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Stress of NOT Getting Laid Off

Will the people with jobs ever stop complaining?  Interesting article came out today about how people who still have jobs experience more stress than those who get laid off due to the constant threat of getting the ax. I noticed this the minute we got laid off.  We headed straight to the bar, laughing and enjoying ourselves but when all our still-employed co-workers showed up they never stopped bitching about how worried they were about 'being next', it almost ruined my buzz. The drunker I got the more I reminded them to stop thinking about themselves and focus on refilling my empty glasses. I mean, we're the ones everyone should be focusing on, and more importantly buying drinks for. We eventually bounced those losers so we could high-five and celebrate without being judged.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Part of Something

You know what feels good? Being part of something. So when February unemployment numbers came out I felt like I had 651,000 new friends. If we all got together we could probably have a really good party. Except I probably wouldn't get along with a lot of them. I wish they gave exact numbers though. Like 651,214. That way I could really feel like I made a difference. 
Finished Catcher in the Rye. Top 5 books of all time.

Friday, March 6, 2009

The Science of Getting Rich

Yes apparently it is an exact science according to the book I just read, which is a very bad start for me considering my inability at anything scientific (while everyone took Biology freshman year I was taking Intro to Physical Science).  And while the book was written in 1910 it does have a lot of valuable information for today's world.  The whole jist of the book is that if you focus on what you want and remain completely and solely focus on getting it, it will happen.  Now only if I could figure out what I want to do with my life.  So far I've been focusing on how to get paid handsomely for not working and partying constantly, will let you know how that goes.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

F'd up teeth

I decided to read Catcher in the Rye on my down time (I actually had two calls yesterday to get two different projects rolling, so I now consider some parts of my day "down time"). During the first few pages there's a part that reminded me of a random thing that used to annoy the shit out of me about my old office. The narrator describes his neighbor's teeth and how they always look "fuzzy" and disgusting. If I had read this book while I still had a job I would type out that passage and print it out poster size and put it outside my desk. I'd say 60% of people there had crust on their teeth that had apparently been there for years. That kind of yellow shit that looks like plaster and has filled in every space around their teeth and made the fronts of them look like those textured walls. Sometimes catch phrases spread at offices, like "Sophie's choice" or "Monday morning quarterback" or "let's look at it from 30,000 ft". At that office word got out that dirty ass teeth made you sound smart. There was also a serious B.O. problem. Strange but true.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Class of '09 - sorry guys

Previous post reminds me that someone had asked me to talk to a senior from Villanova who wanted to get into my ex-industry (it's lame so I won't get into it). I kept scheduling calls with the kid but kept having to re-schedule. Half-way through that process I got shit-canned. I never wrote him back. I feel like kind of a dick but when I think about it a lot I think I did him a favor.
A) if I had to give advice on that kind of thing it'd be mostly bullshit and B) he should do something different with his life, and that may be kind of a downer for a kid who just majored in it. So if you ever read this dude, you're welcome.
And to everyone graduating this year from college, good timing with the whole being born in the late 80's thing.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

This is how bad things are..

So I got an invitation from my college a few weeks ago for an alumni networking event.  After staring at it for a few weeks I decided I should be responsible and called today to RSVP. Why not I figured, there could be some big reality TV show producer there who wants to give me my own show.  Well, I call and they tell me they can put me on the 'waiting list' (#19 on the waiting list to be exact) because the event is already full.  Well jokes on those who 'got in' because its going to be 100 unemployed people networking with each other talking about which Starbucks are hiring.

Monday, March 2, 2009


Had a good weekend ignoring the fact that I didn't get a paycheck last Friday. Then didn't do anything all day today. This is what I said I wouldn't do, sit around watch TV. I saw Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Very disappointed, but made me debate if I want to leave NY. And wonder if that kid from Superbad is funny in real life. I'm gonna get back on track tomorrow. Once I do get/ create a job I think I will attend it Tuesday through Thursdays. I think that's a good work week.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

No more Sunday night blues

The best part of being unemployed has to be the absence of that horrific feeling on Sunday nights that you have to go back to that place Monday morning.  Just thinking about all the people who are crying themselves to sleep tonight makes me feel 100% ok with not having a job.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Day Five

Continued with work on my two "companies" today. I think the bad idea is going to be a lot easier than the good infomercial idea. I don't know why it always works out that way, where easy shit isn't as good. So dumb...or ironic...or something that sucks. It's also been a week since our last day of work and I can't even remember people's names at that office anymore. Not even sure I could describe what I did.
Instead of picking up a book I decided to go watch My Bloody Valentine in 3D. Yep, retarded and awesome at the same time.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Great Gatsby?

I decided to read The Great Gatsby for inspiration -- I know I was supposed to read it in high school but pretty sure I just rented the movie.  Thinking I would be inspired by stories of youth, wealth and awesomeness, I was in for quite a shock.  Why is it that every American literary classic is so depressing -- Gone with the wind, To kill a mockingbird etc.  Don't get me wrong its a great book but I hope my life of riches and parties doesn't turn out like that.  

Day Four

Today I decided I'm going to start a couple of companies. I have an idea for a good infomercial product and another pretty bad idea. But some woman who reads tarot cards once told me I'd have an empire when I "grew up". Those chics are never wrong so I figure it can't hurt to start now. I google'd factories that might be able to make my product and got distracted 5 minutes into it. I think people that start businesses must not have internet connections or cable. I'm going to try again tomorrow. I'm thinking of today as warm-up.
I also ended some cleanse diet that I started three days ago. It's supposed to give your liver a break, which mine might maybe need, but I've decided it's just dumb.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Day Three

Went to the gym this morning. I think going to the gym is an important part of not wasting away during one's 'sabatical'. I keep wondering what all the trophy wives at the gym think about me. Do they think the one dude at the gym on weekdays at 11:00am is self-employed (and therefor goes whenever he wants) or do I have "I have no job" tatooed on my forehead? Some of them are kind of hot in a cougar kind of way so I'm hoping they think the former. 
Speaking of oldness and fake boobs, saw the biography of Hugh Hefner on the Biography channel (top 5 channels of all time). He started Playboy at 27 because after going to an event at his old high school he realized he wasn't living the life he had imagined for himself. Hugh Hefner is now my new idol. After Spencer.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Government wins, I give up and head to DC to handle this is person

Yea, right.  I'm here to party.  

After setting my alarm for 8am to call the unemployment office and getting the same spiel they gave Aldous -- "try next week at which time we know you will have completely forgotten about this (damn, they know me so well) I decided to get on the train to DC.  One of my "employed" friends is at a meeting at the Mandarin Oriental so I figured I would come down and see how many free hotel services I can take advantage of.  Also hoping to be discovered by some congressman looking for someone to parade as the face of the "new unemployed" or maybe I can conveniently place myself in the front row of a rally and let the prez know that I need a job. 

Unemployment Insurance Part Deux

Just got through to a sort of live person. She asked me the same questions I had already answered online, so not sure what value she brought. She must be part of the stimulus package. I also found out there's a week-long waiting period. Must be to pressure people to get a job. Good luck with that strategy.

Day Two

Waking up at a decent time is pretty hard when you don't have to go to work. I'm trying to stick to an 8am wake up because sleeping in can be a slippery slope. You start sleeping in until noon and not going to bed until 2am.  Next thing you know you start going out a lot just to fill that empty time.  A few weeks into it you find yourself waking up in a gutter with a one-legged chic next to you. A friend told me that that really happens.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Unemployment Insurance

So I've been paying 45% of my income to the government and when it comes time to get some of it back in the form of unemployment checks I realize the government blows. They recommend you call in every 15 minutes Monday through Friday to file your claim. I think the strategy is to keep the line busy long enough so you give up or decide to get a new job. I'll show you government, I'll call at least a few more times before giving up. 

Day One

Day one of official unemployment and loving it.