Monday, May 4, 2009

I'm scared of Duane Reade workers

For those of you outside New York, Duane Reade is the equivalent of CVS except instead of sweet old ladies, their employees are from a work-release program and there to intimidate customers rather than help them find toilet paper. I think its pretty safe to say that Duane Reade is the only place in the city where you can get a box of HotPockets and an ass-whooping in the same trip. I've wandered around the store for hours trying to find paper clips, doing my best invisible impression, because asking someone to help you would be received with either "yo bitch I'm on break" or "I don't fuckin know, get out of my face". Once there was a woman in line in front of me (clearly new to town) who thought the price on one of her items was wrong so she nicely said "I think that's $1.99" (everyone in the store let out a loud gasp), the criminal-in-training working behind the counter responded with "lady, there is no need to get loud, I don't know the price of every item in the store, do you want it or not?" and then walked away and never came back. I slowly put my items down and ran out of the store before there was a shoot out. I keep telling myself that if I got a job there I would shoot right to the top of the Duane Reade management ladder but I'm starting to wonder if part of the interview process is proving that you can 'cut a bitch' and hold your own in a fist fight and I haven't been in a fist fight in months...


  1. I really like how it's never clear whether there's one line that splits at the front as registers become available or multiple lines behind each (in the odd situation where more than one is open). I asked the question two days ago and was told there were multiple lines. One customer did not like that answer and proceeded to scream at me. When I told him he should buy Duane Reade and change the line system he started screaming "tourist" at me. The cashier's really liked me after that and gave tons of free matches. Like I want multiple packs of matches. And old crazy dude from Friday, fuck you.

  2. I just steal shit so I don't have to deal with the employees. Besides, no one working there would ever call the cops. I can't even get into the photo development section. I have seen a customer jump behind the booth to get her pictures after waiting about 25 minutes with no help (she intended to pay but needed to just GET to the pictures). Suddenly within 15 seconds there were 4 employees on top of her, screaming at her and her friend had to break it up (read: not the store manager). I was once 'accused' of buying Cheetos by the cashier checking me out, even though I wasn't. To this day, I am still confused by that encounter.

  3. i'm a former CVS employee......the worst thing we had to deal with is the local old ladies trying to buy 10 frames with a coupon good for one transaction only. I'm from Long Island. Pretty tame.