Friday, May 1, 2009

Lil' Kim

I'm talking to my parents on the phone last night - the usual deal where they are both on the phone from different wings of the house - when my mom asks me if I watch 'Dancing with the Stars'. My immediate thought is that I really dislike the idea of them watching 20 year olds with very little clothing on bumping and grinding on the dance floor. Once I got that imagine out of my head I tell them that I don't watch it. My mom proceeds to tell me that there are only 5 couples left and goes through each one "...wait, I'm missing one, Giles, Melissa...oh, Lil' Kim!". And she doesn't say "Little Kim", she actually says "Lil' Kim", now picture my 68 year old, 5'1 mom with her thick Irish accent saying that and you'll know why I was so concerned. I asked her if she knew that Lil' Kim had been in prison and she practically yelled in my face "it was only a misdemeanor!" Wow. At least I know I'll have their support when I start robbing convenience stores.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Swine Flu

Swine Flu? For realz? What the fuck? I don't have health insurance for a minute and it's like the goddamn movie Outbreak (or some people have said 28 Days Later but I didn't watch that). What are the odds? I never get sick so I decide to take my chances and not get health insurance and now a cold that pigs get is attacking the world. A fucking pig cold. So now I'm debating this whole face mask thing. It makes you look like a paranoid dumbass and I'm not convinced it keeps anything out. It seems like a very primitive form of protection so I'm not buying it. I don't care what "medical professionals" say. Michael Jackson was really ahead of the game on this one.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Other People's Homework

I just did homework for a friend. An 8 page paper on ethics in education. Just cause I had some free time. Homework was my arch-nemesis for 17 years but maybe it's a good way to make some extra dough, or in this case get a free Subway footlong. So if anyone needs any help with a paper let me know. I have a few rules though, it must be the kind of paper that can be filled with lots of bullshit, it must not require much, if any, research, and has a short minimum page requirement (no limits on font size or double spacing). And I don't remember how to properly site sources so you'll be responsible for that.

This unemployment thing has made me really well rounded...if you count going to a taping of Martha Stewart, winning an unemployment olympics event, and helping everyone move being well rounded.

And no, I'm not hanging out with high schoolers, it was homework for a masters degree. Just kidding, all my friends are in high school.  

Kill some time

Two videos for those of you bored at your offices (and who isn't?) and those of you bored on your couch (I don't know why that would bore you).

Like a Boss

*best line: "promote synergy". Synergy is the most common "try and use a business-y type" word. 

Tea Partay

* yes, it's old, I know. It's still funny though. Jerk.

Should we buy oil?

So I'm at the gym this morning, sweating my ass off on the elliptical machine when the guy on the machine next to me answers his phone. Now this is a major pet peeve of mine, people talking on their phone while working out. Like how hard are you working out if you can talk on the phone? I can barely breathe while I'm working out, nevermind hold a conversation. So this guy answers the phone and says "I think we should buy oil. Its at $2 a barrel." If I hadn't witnessed it I wouldn't believe it myself. I'm pretty sure that this guy was either a) talking to no one or b) talking to his mom. I completely understand that its not only unemployed people at the gym at 11am and that people who are independently wealthy need to stay in shape too but not at my gym. My gym has 3 elliptical machines and one is broken all the time, there is no air conditioning and the trainers there are in worse shape than I am so not exactly a place where big-time investors are hanging out. Maybe he was just trying to impress me, in which case, I'm totally flattered but I'm not into dudes in matching spandex UnderArmour shirts and shorts.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

In case you hadn't heard...

You've probably heard people talking about it around the water cooler (if you have a job) or at Subway (if you're unemployed) but just in case you didn't...I rode the mechanical bull for so long at Johnny Utahs last week that they eventually just had to stop it. Thats right, the bull eventually just gave up and I have the bruises to prove it. Finally, all my time at the gym has begun to pay off. I know this has absolutely nothing to do with unemployment but in my mind it has everything to do with awesomeness (and yes thats me in the pic). I'm available for lessons.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Unemployment Grief Counselor

I realized something funny last week as layoffs continued at the company that I wasted five years of my life at. As soon as someone gets laid off they call me. Literally I am the first phone call they make, before they break the news to their parents or roommates, they call/e-mail me to tell me the news and the e-mail usually ends with "so now we can hang out all the time". First of all, I didn't want to hang out with you when I worked with you (and thought I made that crystal clear at the time) so now that I am not forced to socialize with you I will not be taking time out of my freedom-filled, enjoyable life to do so. Second of all, I am not sitting around doing nothing waiting for people to call me to hang out. I'm actually much more productive now that I don't have a corporate job and actually do a lot less going out. But in all seriousness I think there could be a career in this unemployment counseling. People call me to get the POV of someone who has gotten laid off and couldn't be happier about it. So I tell them about how much better their life is going to be and all the things they are going to be able to do, also where they can get $7 Bud Light pitchers on a Monday night (I have to go out once in a while). The sad thing is that most people are more freaked out by the thought of going to the gym everyday and pursing jobs that they actually like that they jump right back into crappy, dead-end jobs that make them miserable. Oh well, all I can do is try, the faster they get jobs the sooner they'll stop calling me to hang out anyway