Jizz in My Pants

Thanks to Andy Samberg I'm never going to get another job...and possibly another date or another friend. Since the day I first saw 'Jizz in My Pants' I have not stopped saying 'jizz in my pants' -- "Hey Sarah, how was the movie? It was so funny I jizzed in my pants", "When you see what that dude is wearing you are going to jizz in your pants". Its a good thing that I'm not actively seeking employment (just kidding NY State) because I'm fairly certain that I couldn't control myself in an interview - "The brand strategy that I developed for my accounts would make you jizz in your pants, sir". I'm practically afraid to answer the phone when my parents call because I'm afraid it will slip out, in which case I would be promptly shipped to the closest convent.  Oh and heres the kicker, I just realized about 2 days ago that not everyone is familiar with the video, so probably 50% of people who I've said this to just think I'm a dirty whore. With the subsequent releases of the "I'm on a Boat" and "I'm the Boss" videos this is pretty much what a conversation with me sounds like:

Anyone: How was the food last night?

Sarah: Awesome, I jizzed in my pants.

Anyone: What are you doing today?

Sarah: I'm on a boat

Anyone: When are you updating the blog?

Sarah: I'm the boss

I know, I'm awesome.

Small Business Resources

As you may know (from having read our "Internet Therapy" interview) both Sarah and I are working on our own 'entrepreneurial endeavors'. Once you start digging it's pretty impressive the amount of free stuff and advice you can get from the city for your small business. So we've been to two different classes this week offered by the Small Business Branch of the public library. I'm gonna say they were good because I felt productive being there, but I can't vouch for the actual content. I zoned out two minutes into it, kept looking at my watch, and had to focus pretty hard so that Sarah's non-stop giggling at the weird teacher wouldn't make me laugh. Most people there were pretty old so at least we have a head start. Most of them had trouble with words and numbers too so competition won't be that bad either. But thanks city for doing something with some of my tax dollars.

Tough Love

I'm so excited. I just saw today that there is going to be another season of VH1's Tough Love and they are currently holding auditions. For those of you living under a rock, Tough Love is a reality show where a matchmaker dude helps sluts overcome their dating issues and find love. Its actually humiliating for the girls on the show because you watch them get rejected by guys and cry about how their dads never loved them so now they're scarred for life. The only reason I want to be on it is because each girl is given a nickname, for example Miss Picky or Miss Gold Digger, and I cannot wait to see what name I would be given. Some contenders could be: Miss Boozes-a-lot, Miss Unemployed, Miss Laughs-too-loud, I'm sure my 'friends' have plenty others to add.

What the F is H1N1?

Just as I get accustomed to hearing people drone on about the swine flu (if you're in the US, its a cold, go buy some Sudafed) now everyone is talking about the H1N1 virus. I had to google it to find out if they are the same thing and way too many things came up for me to read so I'm going to go ahead and assume they are. I wonder if the national anti-defamation organization of swines boycotted the phrase "swine flu" as slanderous to the pork industry. Either that or people just want to sound like they're talking about chemical equations. I just find it confusing, like when they starting calling the Persian Gulf War, Desert Storm.

Economy Bottoming Out

That Bernanke dude told Congress today that the economy is bottoming out and should grow again later this year. This'll be good for some of our 'entrepreneurial endeavors' (my response when people ask what I do all day) but I feel like I should do more to take advantage of the situation. I've decided to step up my purchasing of stocks, real estate, boats, and Subway franchises. If anyone would like to join my little empire please contact me and I'll let you know where to drop off your investment/ suitcase with cash. If none of those work out this site's name will be changed to: unemployedeventhoughtheresnoexcuseforit.blogspot.com. We'll keep you posted.

I'm scared of Duane Reade workers

For those of you outside New York, Duane Reade is the equivalent of CVS except instead of sweet old ladies, their employees are from a work-release program and there to intimidate customers rather than help them find toilet paper. I think its pretty safe to say that Duane Reade is the only place in the city where you can get a box of HotPockets and an ass-whooping in the same trip. I've wandered around the store for hours trying to find paper clips, doing my best invisible impression, because asking someone to help you would be received with either "yo bitch I'm on break" or "I don't fuckin know, get out of my face". Once there was a woman in line in front of me (clearly new to town) who thought the price on one of her items was wrong so she nicely said "I think that's $1.99" (everyone in the store let out a loud gasp), the criminal-in-training working behind the counter responded with "lady, there is no need to get loud, I don't know the price of every item in the store, do you want it or not?" and then walked away and never came back. I slowly put my items down and ran out of the store before there was a shoot out. I keep telling myself that if I got a job there I would shoot right to the top of the Duane Reade management ladder but I'm starting to wonder if part of the interview process is proving that you can 'cut a bitch' and hold your own in a fist fight and I haven't been in a fist fight in months...

Lil' Kim

I'm talking to my parents on the phone last night - the usual deal where they are both on the phone from different wings of the house - when my mom asks me if I watch 'Dancing with the Stars'. My immediate thought is that I really dislike the idea of them watching 20 year olds with very little clothing on bumping and grinding on the dance floor. Once I got that imagine out of my head I tell them that I don't watch it. My mom proceeds to tell me that there are only 5 couples left and goes through each one "...wait, I'm missing one, Giles, Melissa...oh, Lil' Kim!". And she doesn't say "Little Kim", she actually says "Lil' Kim", now picture my 68 year old, 5'1 mom with her thick Irish accent saying that and you'll know why I was so concerned. I asked her if she knew that Lil' Kim had been in prison and she practically yelled in my face "it was only a misdemeanor!" Wow. At least I know I'll have their support when I start robbing convenience stores.

Swine Flu

Swine Flu? For realz? What the fuck? I don't have health insurance for a minute and it's like the goddamn movie Outbreak (or some people have said 28 Days Later but I didn't watch that). What are the odds? I never get sick so I decide to take my chances and not get health insurance and now a cold that pigs get is attacking the world. A fucking pig cold. So now I'm debating this whole face mask thing. It makes you look like a paranoid dumbass and I'm not convinced it keeps anything out. It seems like a very primitive form of protection so I'm not buying it. I don't care what "medical professionals" say. Michael Jackson was really ahead of the game on this one.

Other People's Homework

I just did homework for a friend. An 8 page paper on ethics in education. Just cause I had some free time. Homework was my arch-nemesis for 17 years but maybe it's a good way to make some extra dough, or in this case get a free Subway footlong. So if anyone needs any help with a paper let me know. I have a few rules though, it must be the kind of paper that can be filled with lots of bullshit, it must not require much, if any, research, and has a short minimum page requirement (no limits on font size or double spacing). And I don't remember how to properly site sources so you'll be responsible for that.

This unemployment thing has made me really well rounded...if you count going to a taping of Martha Stewart, winning an unemployment olympics event, and helping everyone move being well rounded.

And no, I'm not hanging out with high schoolers, it was homework for a masters degree. Just kidding, all my friends are in high school.  

Kill some time

Two videos for those of you bored at your offices (and who isn't?) and those of you bored on your couch (I don't know why that would bore you).

Like a Boss

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NisCkxU544c

*best line: "promote synergy". Synergy is the most common "try and use a business-y type" word. 

Tea Partay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTU2He2BIc0

* yes, it's old, I know. It's still funny though. Jerk.