Trader Joes fools me again

I'm sitting here on the couch, exhausted, realizing that I just took a 3 hour trip to Trader Joes, what the hell is wrong with me? Trying to stay on budget I took the bus there and back fighting off mobs of people in the store and waiting on a line that wrapped through every single aisle. You would think that they were giving away shit for free, like what is the draw? The food isn't even that good. In my mind I also carry this false belief that if I'm buying it at Trader Joes its good for you -- like I'm sitting here eating a bucket of "Chocolate Cats" telling myself its ok, its from Trader Joes. Then I get home and look at the labels and realize that if I keep eating all my meals from Trader Joes I'm going to be dead in 5 years. Well kudos to you Trader Joes marketing managers, you have managed to convince me and just about every other retard in New York City that your Hawaiian shirts and "Joes O's" are worth my entire Saturday. I'm going to drown my sorrows in your $3 bottle of Chardonnay.

Has anyone heard of Facebook?

About a week ago I got the piece of mail that every unemployed person dreads - I got selected for a meeting with the Unemployment Office (so I figure I'm busted). I go there this morning expecting, given the state of NYC's economy, to see a lot of people like myself (young, good-looking, well-dressed) but instead it was every unemployed stereotype come to life -- people who look like they've been living off unemployment since Crazy Eddie's closed down and this was the first time they have left their house. I really wish I took a picture of the woman running the session, she was 95 years old, wearing sunglasses and a trenchcoat - I am in no way exaggerating. So shes telling us about all the great resources the worldwide web has available to us - for example, Facebook. "Does anyone here do facebook and can you tell us what is it". At this point there are tears rolling down my face I'm laughing so hard, I look up expecting everyone to be rolling their eyes but no, someone actually raises their hand and explains to the freaks that Facebook is a networking site where you can reconnect with people you've lost touch with, seriously, I'm not joking, people were taking notes. We go through this same thing with LinkedIn and pretty much every website. And that was it, seriously, then it was over, at least I know now that if this is what the government is doing to get people back to work the recession will go on forever, thank you government.

Not so fast Recession

All this talk about the recession coming to an end is really starting to freak me out. Now they're saying it could be over by next year, I mean, what is the rush (stop trying to prove yourself Obama). The worse the state of the economy is, the more people feel sorry for me for not having a job (aka the more drinks they buy me) and the better I can mask the fact that I haven't even begun to look for a job with the whole "things are sooo bad, there are no jobs". Its the people with jobs who should be most concerned about the recession ending, they are the ones truly benefiting with all the "recession pricing" -- 2 for 1 drinks, buy a castle for $5, 10 servants willing to work for food. I think we should all band together to ensure that this recession doesn't go anywhere, you can start by maxing out your credit cards, applying for loans you can't pay back and not returning any work bonuses you have received, your help is much appreciated.

Amazing Race

You kind of feel like a tool for trying out. But then you get there and see so many bigger tools that you think "at least I'm not a 40 year-old tool who lives in Burlington, Vermont". Every thing in life is pretty relative. So if you feel like a loser at any point, just try and find a bigger one to give you comfort. I'm pretty sure we're going to be on the show, by the way. We choked up pretty nicely.

You sir, are missing a lot of teeth

So while follow-through was not something we were known for at work (due to our 5 second attention span), when it comes to things not work-related we're doing much better. One example, our renting a car and driving 6 hours to Vermont to audition for the Amazing Race. We feel that the best way to delay ever having to get real jobs is getting on a reality TV show and then living off our 15 minutes of fame for as long as possible (think Tanya from the Real World). Along the drive we encountered a serious epidemic plaguing upper New England -- the lack of oral hygiene and dentistry. So if Amazing Race doesn't pan out we have a great business idea for a bag of teeth you can buy at the grocery store. Either that or "So You Think You Can Dance".

Reality TV

So I think a really good activity for the unemployed could be trying to get on reality shows. One of my first thoughts was True Life on MTV because they follow people around for no reason. Maybe not no reason, but pretty dumbass reasons. Like you're from Staten Island or have a pet. If you go MTV.com you can check out upcoming show topics. They include: "I'm unhappy with my small breasts", "I'm unhappy with my large breasts" and "I'm a guido". None of those work for me. You think they'd do "I'm unemployed". It'd be a really easy production for the crew because they'd only have to move the camera from my bedroom to my couch. Sporadically follow me to the kitchen and then back to the couch. It'd be awesome. So I think I'm gonna go for the Amazing Race instead.

Unpaid waiting week -- what the f&*#!

For those of you who still have jobs let me know tell you about what you have to look forward to -- an unpaid waiting week. This is what the government calls your first week of unemployment and decides that you don't need to be paid for. Apparently this is my punishment for getting laid off, as if the process of trying to get unemployment in the first place wasn't enough.  I mean, for all they know I could have 10 kids at home living off a bucket of KFC waiting for that check so  I could buy an 8-ball. Luckily, things haven't gotten that bad, yet.  

The Stress of NOT Getting Laid Off

Will the people with jobs ever stop complaining?  Interesting article came out today about how people who still have jobs experience more stress than those who get laid off due to the constant threat of getting the ax. I noticed this the minute we got laid off.  We headed straight to the bar, laughing and enjoying ourselves but when all our still-employed co-workers showed up they never stopped bitching about how worried they were about 'being next', it almost ruined my buzz. The drunker I got the more I reminded them to stop thinking about themselves and focus on refilling my empty glasses. I mean, we're the ones everyone should be focusing on, and more importantly buying drinks for. We eventually bounced those losers so we could high-five and celebrate without being judged.

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1883614.00.html?cnn=yes

Part of Something

You know what feels good? Being part of something. So when February unemployment numbers came out I felt like I had 651,000 new friends. If we all got together we could probably have a really good party. Except I probably wouldn't get along with a lot of them. I wish they gave exact numbers though. Like 651,214. That way I could really feel like I made a difference. 

Finished Catcher in the Rye. Top 5 books of all time.

The Science of Getting Rich

Yes apparently it is an exact science according to the book I just read, which is a very bad start for me considering my inability at anything scientific (while everyone took Biology freshman year I was taking Intro to Physical Science).  And while the book was written in 1910 it does have a lot of valuable information for today's world.  The whole jist of the book is that if you focus on what you want and remain completely and solely focus on getting it, it will happen.  Now only if I could figure out what I want to do with my life.  So far I've been focusing on how to get paid handsomely for not working and partying constantly, will let you know how that goes.