Dating the Unemployed

Theres been a bunch of studies released recently about how people feel about dating the "unemployed", God you would think we were lepers. The good news is that apparently its less of an issue for men when women are unemployed. I really blame those sassy feminists for making it such a big deal for women to have a job. Like wasn't it only 40 years ago when it was cool for women to not work, I'm just trying to uphold American values here. Now when I meet guys at a bar, I tell them that I don't have a job but I love cooking and cleaning and think that men are the superior sex who should be responsible for all decision making and heavy lifting. At least the study says that being unemployed is more attractive than living at home...

Aging in Unemployment

Do I have a problem or are most people scared of getting older? Some people (who I believe are full of shit) love to say that they love getting older because it brings "wisdom" and "confidence" and a bunch of other crap. I like to think I'm pretty wise and confident now, so I'll pass on the arthritis and memory loss. I don't worry about turning 30, I worry about getting old and dying. And just to prove that the grass is always greener I used to be very worried about getting old in a job I hated. I was going to look back at my life and say "that sucked". Now I sometimes worry that I'll look back on my life and think "wow, I didn't have a job for 50 years and live in a box. That wasn't a good choice either." I guess if you get old enough you start thinking the box is a mansion or like a cool lounge area in heaven.  

Hangovers

I just read that the U.S. economy loses over $148 billion a year in reduced productivity or absenteeism due to hangovers. I'm pretty sure a big chunk of that was solely from me and Sarah's old office. I would attribute close to a billion dollars to myself alone. It really wasn't even my fault a lot of times. They'd serve booze at any ridiculous office event. "We won a small portion of the tiniest piece of business on earth, let's have beers", "a client is coming in, wine in the lobby",  "we lost tons of business, shots", "nothing's going on on facebook, let's drop acid". 

Think of how much less severe this great depression thing would have been if people had stopped drinking about a year ago.  So to you employed people, think about it next time you have a drink on a workday. I on the other hand will continue to drink guilt free. 

Battle to the Death

People are always saying they, or their office, or their group of friends or their something deserve a reality show. Normally, I agree politely but know their show would suck more than "Two and a Half Men". And then I sat through most of an episode of the Hills. No one...no human being on earth deserves a reality show less than that group of people. Nothing happens in their lives that is even kinda interesting, except for when Audrina wears bathing suits. So I have an idea for MTV: all the Hills cast members battle to the death (this is filmed) and the last one alive gets to start over with their own show. If that winner will continue to get free tickets to Cabo, Hawaii and free drinks at every club then I'll consider playing a secondary role. So I'll be like that dude Frankie. And don't think you can steal my idea now MTV, it's been documented. I'm like a lawyer. 

Jizz in My Pants

Thanks to Andy Samberg I'm never going to get another job...and possibly another date or another friend. Since the day I first saw 'Jizz in My Pants' I have not stopped saying 'jizz in my pants' -- "Hey Sarah, how was the movie? It was so funny I jizzed in my pants", "When you see what that dude is wearing you are going to jizz in your pants". Its a good thing that I'm not actively seeking employment (just kidding NY State) because I'm fairly certain that I couldn't control myself in an interview - "The brand strategy that I developed for my accounts would make you jizz in your pants, sir". I'm practically afraid to answer the phone when my parents call because I'm afraid it will slip out, in which case I would be promptly shipped to the closest convent.  Oh and heres the kicker, I just realized about 2 days ago that not everyone is familiar with the video, so probably 50% of people who I've said this to just think I'm a dirty whore. With the subsequent releases of the "I'm on a Boat" and "I'm the Boss" videos this is pretty much what a conversation with me sounds like:

Anyone: How was the food last night?

Sarah: Awesome, I jizzed in my pants.

Anyone: What are you doing today?

Sarah: I'm on a boat

Anyone: When are you updating the blog?

Sarah: I'm the boss

I know, I'm awesome.

Small Business Resources

As you may know (from having read our "Internet Therapy" interview) both Sarah and I are working on our own 'entrepreneurial endeavors'. Once you start digging it's pretty impressive the amount of free stuff and advice you can get from the city for your small business. So we've been to two different classes this week offered by the Small Business Branch of the public library. I'm gonna say they were good because I felt productive being there, but I can't vouch for the actual content. I zoned out two minutes into it, kept looking at my watch, and had to focus pretty hard so that Sarah's non-stop giggling at the weird teacher wouldn't make me laugh. Most people there were pretty old so at least we have a head start. Most of them had trouble with words and numbers too so competition won't be that bad either. But thanks city for doing something with some of my tax dollars.

Tough Love

I'm so excited. I just saw today that there is going to be another season of VH1's Tough Love and they are currently holding auditions. For those of you living under a rock, Tough Love is a reality show where a matchmaker dude helps sluts overcome their dating issues and find love. Its actually humiliating for the girls on the show because you watch them get rejected by guys and cry about how their dads never loved them so now they're scarred for life. The only reason I want to be on it is because each girl is given a nickname, for example Miss Picky or Miss Gold Digger, and I cannot wait to see what name I would be given. Some contenders could be: Miss Boozes-a-lot, Miss Unemployed, Miss Laughs-too-loud, I'm sure my 'friends' have plenty others to add.

What the F is H1N1?

Just as I get accustomed to hearing people drone on about the swine flu (if you're in the US, its a cold, go buy some Sudafed) now everyone is talking about the H1N1 virus. I had to google it to find out if they are the same thing and way too many things came up for me to read so I'm going to go ahead and assume they are. I wonder if the national anti-defamation organization of swines boycotted the phrase "swine flu" as slanderous to the pork industry. Either that or people just want to sound like they're talking about chemical equations. I just find it confusing, like when they starting calling the Persian Gulf War, Desert Storm.

Economy Bottoming Out

That Bernanke dude told Congress today that the economy is bottoming out and should grow again later this year. This'll be good for some of our 'entrepreneurial endeavors' (my response when people ask what I do all day) but I feel like I should do more to take advantage of the situation. I've decided to step up my purchasing of stocks, real estate, boats, and Subway franchises. If anyone would like to join my little empire please contact me and I'll let you know where to drop off your investment/ suitcase with cash. If none of those work out this site's name will be changed to: unemployedeventhoughtheresnoexcuseforit.blogspot.com. We'll keep you posted.

I'm scared of Duane Reade workers

For those of you outside New York, Duane Reade is the equivalent of CVS except instead of sweet old ladies, their employees are from a work-release program and there to intimidate customers rather than help them find toilet paper. I think its pretty safe to say that Duane Reade is the only place in the city where you can get a box of HotPockets and an ass-whooping in the same trip. I've wandered around the store for hours trying to find paper clips, doing my best invisible impression, because asking someone to help you would be received with either "yo bitch I'm on break" or "I don't fuckin know, get out of my face". Once there was a woman in line in front of me (clearly new to town) who thought the price on one of her items was wrong so she nicely said "I think that's $1.99" (everyone in the store let out a loud gasp), the criminal-in-training working behind the counter responded with "lady, there is no need to get loud, I don't know the price of every item in the store, do you want it or not?" and then walked away and never came back. I slowly put my items down and ran out of the store before there was a shoot out. I keep telling myself that if I got a job there I would shoot right to the top of the Duane Reade management ladder but I'm starting to wonder if part of the interview process is proving that you can 'cut a bitch' and hold your own in a fist fight and I haven't been in a fist fight in months...