Eye pokes and kicks in the balls

I poked myself in the eye yesterday and it reminded me of being a kid for some reason. As I thought about it I realized that it's because throughout the single digit years two injuries alternate happening every other day - getting poked in the eye and hurting your balls. I'm not sure if it's P.E. class or recess or just people wanting to kick you in the balls but somehow both of those things happen all the time. I don't know if for girls it might be eye pokes and boob injuries, but probably not. Even if it was, it wouldn't be the same. I get the feeling a boob injury is as painful as popping a small zit. And it probably doesn't spread throughout your torso. So while I don't miss either injury I'd probably pick both over having to "grow up".

Who needs a blackberry

So yes blackberries are great and convenient and it did take me a while to adjust to life without one until....I realized that you can take your laptop anywhere! On the bus, in the grocery store, at the park, on dates! Now I'll take my laptop just about anywhere and treat it just like a blackberry. I'll be out to dinner with a friend and we'll be trying to figure out where to go for drinks after and I'll pull my laptop out of my bag and within minutes hellooo Citysearch. I'm thinking I need some sort of strap to go around my neck that I can hang my computer from, theres a business idea for you. I really think with so many people losing their jobs and their precious blackberries that this is going to catch on and become all the rage. I mean if Nicole Richie is already doing it....

Lunch Deals

It’s impressive when you walk around mid-town Manhattan on weekdays how many awesome lunch deals you find. Like sit down for a three-course meal for under 10 bucks. Ironic, seeing as how most people worried about lunch money probably can’t stroll out for a two-hour meal. They’re apparently meant for very frugal big dawgs. But now, I too can take advantage of these, even if it means eating alone. I came across an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet today for $7.95. I sat down determined to get my money’s worth and didn’t leave until an hour and a half later. I’d talk on the phone in between servings to give my stomach a quick moment to catch its breath.  I may have stomach pains for a few more hours but goddamn it, it was worth it. Now I know the joys of being a mid-town big dawg. My next task: figure out what ever happened to The Sizzler.

My next job

While exploring possibilities for my next career I think I've landed on a great one -- dating expert/consultant/matchmaker. I realized this on Friday night when (like many Friday nights) my phone was flooded with picture texts of every outfit my friends own asking me which one to wear on their date (which is strange considering many people have questioned my understanding of 'short' and 'tight'). They're constantly asking me to choose an outfit for them, restaurant or conversation topic. I realize that some may say that I'm not qualified for the job since my dating track record isn't stellar but hey, the Millionaire Matchmaker isn't married and if that isn't a problem for people this shouldn't be either. Plus, according to the article I just read about matchmaking blowing up, there couldn't be a better time. It would be the easiest job in the world for me since unlike a lot of women I actually have common sense. Some examples of the wisdom I dispense that keeps girls flocking to me for advice -- No, do not meet him on a street corner for your first date, meet him at the restaurant; If you wore it to work (and you're a teacher or a stripper) you should not be wearing it on a date; If he hasn't called you in 6 days, he is not in the hospital, do NOT call him. Thats just some free advice, you have to pay if you want more...

Blowin' Up

A fan of the blog and fellow blogger, the very cool Morgan Haines interviewed Aldous and I about our lives as unemployed assholes and posted it on her blog (which is way nicer and more professional looking than ours). Thanks Morgan, our egos have officially exploded, next stop Larry King. Check it out:

http://mhgdblog.wordpress.com/2009/04/14/unemployed-and-awesome/

Retards in meetings

One of the very (very) few things I miss about work is sitting in meetings when someone says something truly retarded. That kind of statement where everyone is quiet for a few seconds (I’m giggling like a school girl into my notebook) until someone senior to the retard steps in. That senior person will either ignore the comment or politely try and get it to make sense. The same way teachers had to make sense of dumbass answers in elementary school. I used to enjoy those situations back then too. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of bombs in meetings.  Big ones, where all you hear are crickets and my boss grinding his teeth. I found my bombs just as entertaining as those of others. That must have been a sign of not caring or something.

Do you do Powerpoint?

While visiting my parents for the weekend I ran into a lot of neighbors and family friends who I haven't seen in a while. One minute into conversation they all asked how work was or if I had to go back to work on Monday. Welllll...apparently my parents haven't notified the locals that the only job I'm doing is trying to name every cast member of the 21 seasons of Real World. After notifying everyone that I am "permanently on vacation" and letting them know that I've been that way for 8 weeks, many of them asked bizarre questions that I know are a direct result of the Today show pieces they have seen about how to find a job in a recession. Keeping in mind that we are talking about the 50+ generation, a common question (my parents asked this as well) was "Can you use the Internet to find a job?", I told them "no, the Internet was just a fad, newspapers are all the rage now and I can't afford to buy one". But my favorite was definitely, "Do you know how to use powerpoint?", this question really intrigued me so I enthusiastically would answer "Yes!" hoping they knew of some awesome job where I get paid handsomely to add clip art to a slide and make sure all the bullets line up. But sadly that response was followed by "oh oh thats good, thats very important." I'm fairly confident that none of those people have a clue what powerpoint is because if they did they would know that its about as archaic and useless as Lotus Notes. But on that note, if anyone knows of a job where "powerpoint" is the only requirement please let me know, I'm excellent at making intersecting circles and shading. 

Shirley Temples

So I'm out to dinner with my parents this weekend and we're sitting next to a table with 3 kids,all drinking Shirley Temples. This prompts my parents to start talking about how when I was a kid I was "obsessed" with Shirley Temples. I figured that now, at almost 30 years old, was the time I should tell them that the reason I pounded Shirley Temples from age 5 to 10 was because I was fully convinced there was booze in them. They came in a glass with a stir and cheeries so clearly that meant there was some serious alcohol in them. After I got "bombed" off my 5 ST's I did what I had learned was protocol when you're raging drunk -- tear up the dance floor. After wearing myself out my parents would try and tell me its time to leave at which point I would give them "the hand" and tell them I was "going out". I would storm out of the bar and promptly fall fast asleep in the parking lot. Best part was that instead of calling it a night my parents would eventually come get me and put me under their table at the bar and proceed to enjoy drinks a little stronger than Shirley Temples. And I wonder where I got it..

Real Housewives of New Jersey

God damnit. I have spent a good portion of the last 10 years of my life as an unofficial spokesperson for the state of New Jersey and now one show is not only going to undo all my hard work but set us back another 20 years -- thank you "The real, dirty, whore housewives of New Jersey". I just saw the preview for the show and wept for 20 minutes afterwards. Was True Life "I have a Jersey shore house" not enough? Did that not do enough to confirm the stereotypes that everyone from New Jersey wears wife beaters and will start a fight with an ant? I grew up in New Jersey and didn't realize till I went to college that everyone didn't love it as much as I did. The first time someone said I was from the "garbage state" I went back to my room, cried and called all my New Jersey friends who were attending various colleges on the East Coast to discover that they were receiving the same abuse. Listen, I understand that there are points when you're driving on the turnpike where it smells like death and that there are a lot more cigarette butts and stereos on the Jersey shore than most beaches but no state is perfect. I've traveled a good part of this country and can tell you that some of the trashiest people and places I've seen have been in Golden, Colorado and Philadelphia. I'm pretty positive that Bloomberg or the state of Connecticut are funding all this anti-New-Jersey TV propaganda. I mean, come on, I don't even think those "real housewhores" are even women, never mind from New Jersey.

I'm just not a clapper

And I'm literally talking about clapping. On more than a few occasions recently I have been asked to clap and get excited on command. One example being the Amazing Race auditions. While we were waiting on line the guy running the show kept yelling "Is everyone excited??? Let me hear you!". Not only was I cringing in disgust but I couldn't even manage to feign excitement. Now don't get me wrong I am a very excitable person, I'm loud and animated but when its being demanded of me I just can't seem to perform. Maybe I'm just missing a phony gene because I had the same problem when it came to my clients at my last job. I just could never really fake anything, like interest in what they were saying or God forbid having to go out for a drink with them(oh, maybe this is why I got laid off). On more than one occasion Aldous and I were in meetings with clients when they would suggest going for a drink and I would freeze in horror at the prospect and usually say "absolutely not" or "only if you leave after one drink but leave your credit card down". We're going to a live taping of a talk show next week and I know they are going to make us do corny shit like wave and laugh on cue, I'm dreading it. I think I'm going to have to start watching Wheel of Fortune to prep for it, those people are fully insane, like they should walk those people off the set and right into the loony bin.