Retards in meetings

One of the very (very) few things I miss about work is sitting in meetings when someone says something truly retarded. That kind of statement where everyone is quiet for a few seconds (I’m giggling like a school girl into my notebook) until someone senior to the retard steps in. That senior person will either ignore the comment or politely try and get it to make sense. The same way teachers had to make sense of dumbass answers in elementary school. I used to enjoy those situations back then too. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of bombs in meetings.  Big ones, where all you hear are crickets and my boss grinding his teeth. I found my bombs just as entertaining as those of others. That must have been a sign of not caring or something.

Do you do Powerpoint?

While visiting my parents for the weekend I ran into a lot of neighbors and family friends who I haven't seen in a while. One minute into conversation they all asked how work was or if I had to go back to work on Monday. Welllll...apparently my parents haven't notified the locals that the only job I'm doing is trying to name every cast member of the 21 seasons of Real World. After notifying everyone that I am "permanently on vacation" and letting them know that I've been that way for 8 weeks, many of them asked bizarre questions that I know are a direct result of the Today show pieces they have seen about how to find a job in a recession. Keeping in mind that we are talking about the 50+ generation, a common question (my parents asked this as well) was "Can you use the Internet to find a job?", I told them "no, the Internet was just a fad, newspapers are all the rage now and I can't afford to buy one". But my favorite was definitely, "Do you know how to use powerpoint?", this question really intrigued me so I enthusiastically would answer "Yes!" hoping they knew of some awesome job where I get paid handsomely to add clip art to a slide and make sure all the bullets line up. But sadly that response was followed by "oh oh thats good, thats very important." I'm fairly confident that none of those people have a clue what powerpoint is because if they did they would know that its about as archaic and useless as Lotus Notes. But on that note, if anyone knows of a job where "powerpoint" is the only requirement please let me know, I'm excellent at making intersecting circles and shading. 

Shirley Temples

So I'm out to dinner with my parents this weekend and we're sitting next to a table with 3 kids,all drinking Shirley Temples. This prompts my parents to start talking about how when I was a kid I was "obsessed" with Shirley Temples. I figured that now, at almost 30 years old, was the time I should tell them that the reason I pounded Shirley Temples from age 5 to 10 was because I was fully convinced there was booze in them. They came in a glass with a stir and cheeries so clearly that meant there was some serious alcohol in them. After I got "bombed" off my 5 ST's I did what I had learned was protocol when you're raging drunk -- tear up the dance floor. After wearing myself out my parents would try and tell me its time to leave at which point I would give them "the hand" and tell them I was "going out". I would storm out of the bar and promptly fall fast asleep in the parking lot. Best part was that instead of calling it a night my parents would eventually come get me and put me under their table at the bar and proceed to enjoy drinks a little stronger than Shirley Temples. And I wonder where I got it..

Real Housewives of New Jersey

God damnit. I have spent a good portion of the last 10 years of my life as an unofficial spokesperson for the state of New Jersey and now one show is not only going to undo all my hard work but set us back another 20 years -- thank you "The real, dirty, whore housewives of New Jersey". I just saw the preview for the show and wept for 20 minutes afterwards. Was True Life "I have a Jersey shore house" not enough? Did that not do enough to confirm the stereotypes that everyone from New Jersey wears wife beaters and will start a fight with an ant? I grew up in New Jersey and didn't realize till I went to college that everyone didn't love it as much as I did. The first time someone said I was from the "garbage state" I went back to my room, cried and called all my New Jersey friends who were attending various colleges on the East Coast to discover that they were receiving the same abuse. Listen, I understand that there are points when you're driving on the turnpike where it smells like death and that there are a lot more cigarette butts and stereos on the Jersey shore than most beaches but no state is perfect. I've traveled a good part of this country and can tell you that some of the trashiest people and places I've seen have been in Golden, Colorado and Philadelphia. I'm pretty positive that Bloomberg or the state of Connecticut are funding all this anti-New-Jersey TV propaganda. I mean, come on, I don't even think those "real housewhores" are even women, never mind from New Jersey.

I'm just not a clapper

And I'm literally talking about clapping. On more than a few occasions recently I have been asked to clap and get excited on command. One example being the Amazing Race auditions. While we were waiting on line the guy running the show kept yelling "Is everyone excited??? Let me hear you!". Not only was I cringing in disgust but I couldn't even manage to feign excitement. Now don't get me wrong I am a very excitable person, I'm loud and animated but when its being demanded of me I just can't seem to perform. Maybe I'm just missing a phony gene because I had the same problem when it came to my clients at my last job. I just could never really fake anything, like interest in what they were saying or God forbid having to go out for a drink with them(oh, maybe this is why I got laid off). On more than one occasion Aldous and I were in meetings with clients when they would suggest going for a drink and I would freeze in horror at the prospect and usually say "absolutely not" or "only if you leave after one drink but leave your credit card down". We're going to a live taping of a talk show next week and I know they are going to make us do corny shit like wave and laugh on cue, I'm dreading it. I think I'm going to have to start watching Wheel of Fortune to prep for it, those people are fully insane, like they should walk those people off the set and right into the loony bin.

Free Shit

I've heard stories about people writing companies to compliment their products and in return getting free shit. Like if you write Kellogg's and ramble about how awesome Pop-Tarts are they'll send you a bunch of boxes as a 'thank you'.  I mentioned this to someone recently and they said Oprah had a whole show on it. I thanked that person for the info and then punched them for watching Oprah. Kellogg's can only send out so many Pop-Tarts, so I'm hoping Oprah hasn't ruined it for me by getting a ton of people to try out that move. So on my to-do list for tomorrow is send complimentary hand-written letters (to show you're really sincere) to people I want free shit from. So far I have: Post to get free Blueberry Morning cereal, Jack Link's for free beef jerky, and my management company for free rent. I think it's gonna work for all three of those.

So what do you do?

I can't decide if it was worse when people asked me this when I had a job or now that I don't. When I had that job I hated I was always so depressed to tell people about it, I would mumble 'advertising' and walk away. After a few rum and cokes sometimes 'advertising' would turn into 'I create, design and produce all of Nike's advertising' but otherwise the question just reminded me how miserable I was in my job and how badly I needed to get out of it. Now that I'm unemployed I've seen the reaction I get to 'I got laid off' which at first was funny just to see people skirm but now its kinda annoying telling people that I'm really happy and it was the best thing that ever happened to me because no one believes it, even though its 100% true. So my latest thing is straight up lying and I'm really starting to like it. I started out slow with "I have a bookdeal" but I'm ready to take this to the big leagues -- I'm thinking "I do wardrobe for Rock of Love" or "I teach bears how to ride tricycles for the circus". I'm accepting suggestions...

Blackberry

I used to hate blackberries, mostly because it meant people from work expected me to be available at all times. People have even started adding co-workers to their BB pin contacts. That shit's tricky because you can tell when someone has read the message. So you want to know what some dumbass co-worker is pinning you about but don't want to have to respond.  But now that no one has any reason to harass or annoy the shit out of me I kind of want one again. I'm not really sure what I would use it for since the only emails I get are from vendors of viagra and lovely ladies looking for a good time. I could facebook from the bus though. If I ever decipher the bus system.

Black Eyed Peas

It truly blows my mind how the Black Eyed Peas are getting away with scamming the world. I just heard their "new" song, are they serious? The Black Eyed Peas have ONE song and they have managed to rename it 15 times and market it as different songs. It cracks me up that people buy their albums...with the same song replayed 15 times. You would save a lot of money if you bought the single and just hit repeat. The thought of them in the studio really makes me laugh, I can just hear Fergie saying, 'wait do you think this sounds too similar to our last song?' And some producer is like 'Nooo, this is totally different, in this song we're saying awwww yeaaa, instead of ohhhh yeaaaa.' They must have the same marketing team as Trader Joes, when Chuck Schumer is done going after Ticketmaster, the Black Eyed Peas should be next on his list.

Royal Family

What I’m about to say may offend some people but that’s a risk I’m willing to take because I have to speak out. All the press coverage about the Obama’s trip to England has resurrected all these feelings I have about the “royal family”. Do people realize that the Queen doesn’t actually hold any power? That she is just a figurehead that represents ridiculously old, out-of-date and sometimes offensive traditions. I love how the media can’t stop talking about the proper etiquette when meeting the Queen, like who cares? Do we really care if we piss her off? What would the US do without the support of a family with no power and enough family problems to make the Osbournes look healthy. Oh and P.S. Obamas, she totally threw that ipod out – or at one of her handlers, you know shes a total biotch.