Free Shit

I've heard stories about people writing companies to compliment their products and in return getting free shit. Like if you write Kellogg's and ramble about how awesome Pop-Tarts are they'll send you a bunch of boxes as a 'thank you'.  I mentioned this to someone recently and they said Oprah had a whole show on it. I thanked that person for the info and then punched them for watching Oprah. Kellogg's can only send out so many Pop-Tarts, so I'm hoping Oprah hasn't ruined it for me by getting a ton of people to try out that move. So on my to-do list for tomorrow is send complimentary hand-written letters (to show you're really sincere) to people I want free shit from. So far I have: Post to get free Blueberry Morning cereal, Jack Link's for free beef jerky, and my management company for free rent. I think it's gonna work for all three of those.

So what do you do?

I can't decide if it was worse when people asked me this when I had a job or now that I don't. When I had that job I hated I was always so depressed to tell people about it, I would mumble 'advertising' and walk away. After a few rum and cokes sometimes 'advertising' would turn into 'I create, design and produce all of Nike's advertising' but otherwise the question just reminded me how miserable I was in my job and how badly I needed to get out of it. Now that I'm unemployed I've seen the reaction I get to 'I got laid off' which at first was funny just to see people skirm but now its kinda annoying telling people that I'm really happy and it was the best thing that ever happened to me because no one believes it, even though its 100% true. So my latest thing is straight up lying and I'm really starting to like it. I started out slow with "I have a bookdeal" but I'm ready to take this to the big leagues -- I'm thinking "I do wardrobe for Rock of Love" or "I teach bears how to ride tricycles for the circus". I'm accepting suggestions...

Blackberry

I used to hate blackberries, mostly because it meant people from work expected me to be available at all times. People have even started adding co-workers to their BB pin contacts. That shit's tricky because you can tell when someone has read the message. So you want to know what some dumbass co-worker is pinning you about but don't want to have to respond.  But now that no one has any reason to harass or annoy the shit out of me I kind of want one again. I'm not really sure what I would use it for since the only emails I get are from vendors of viagra and lovely ladies looking for a good time. I could facebook from the bus though. If I ever decipher the bus system.

Black Eyed Peas

It truly blows my mind how the Black Eyed Peas are getting away with scamming the world. I just heard their "new" song, are they serious? The Black Eyed Peas have ONE song and they have managed to rename it 15 times and market it as different songs. It cracks me up that people buy their albums...with the same song replayed 15 times. You would save a lot of money if you bought the single and just hit repeat. The thought of them in the studio really makes me laugh, I can just hear Fergie saying, 'wait do you think this sounds too similar to our last song?' And some producer is like 'Nooo, this is totally different, in this song we're saying awwww yeaaa, instead of ohhhh yeaaaa.' They must have the same marketing team as Trader Joes, when Chuck Schumer is done going after Ticketmaster, the Black Eyed Peas should be next on his list.

Royal Family

What I’m about to say may offend some people but that’s a risk I’m willing to take because I have to speak out. All the press coverage about the Obama’s trip to England has resurrected all these feelings I have about the “royal family”. Do people realize that the Queen doesn’t actually hold any power? That she is just a figurehead that represents ridiculously old, out-of-date and sometimes offensive traditions. I love how the media can’t stop talking about the proper etiquette when meeting the Queen, like who cares? Do we really care if we piss her off? What would the US do without the support of a family with no power and enough family problems to make the Osbournes look healthy. Oh and P.S. Obamas, she totally threw that ipod out – or at one of her handlers, you know shes a total biotch.

Burning Bridges

So after doing some reconnaissance on press coverage for the event described below I learned that many, many major news outlets have either one or both of us claiming to have hated our old jobs passionately. I'm not saying that that is incorrect, but I'm not sure I used that word. I may have though. I learned I'll say and do anything if you put a camera in front of me. I think I took my pants off at one point.

Shoop

After completely wearing ourselves out at the Unemployment Olympics (I think I threw my arm out on the phone toss so no gym for at least a week) we decided to kick back last night and go for "a drink". Wow, I know its a cliche but seriously, is anyone capable of ever having just one drink?If so, I'd really like to talk to you and get some advice (and potentially counseling). I should have known things were going to get rough when our first beer happened to come in the form of a pitcher -- they just seem so economical, even though you're spending $16 instead of the $4 you had planned -- and it was all downhill from there. Next thing you know we're karaoking to Salt n' Pepa's Shoop with so much enthusiasm you would think we were competing for another free bar tab. Its fascinating how awful and miserable a karaoke bar is until the moment the microphone is in your hands and you convince yourself that you're actually a really good singer, so much better than everyone else, people should pay to watch you perform. After Shoop they wouldn't let us sign up for any more songs...

The things we'll do for free booze

Its amazing the things you'll do when you don't have a job and have plenty of time to kill. The latest being, the Unemployment Olympics. If case you haven't heard of it, it was a day put together for unemployed New Yorkers that involved various events, such as 'Pin the blame on your boss' and a race to the unemployment office. We decided to attend because there were prizes including bar tabs, which Aldous actually won and we proceeded to use immediately. It must have been a slow news day because every media outlet showed up to interview participants. After making a pact to not do any interviews, we were practically chasing after reporters by the end of the day, the taste of fame went right to our heads. We're probably going to be discovered, but y'all can say you knew us back when we were just bloggers...

$5 Footlongs

If you've ever "dined" at Subway you know that most six inch subs are just under five bucks. So now, with this whole five dollar footlong thing, you get twice as much sandwich for an extra eleven cents. Like any normal human being I cannot pass up this deal and always get the footlong regardless of how not hungry I am. After forcing myself to eat many a footlong and wanting to vomit every time I think I came up with a plan. I'll stand outside of Subways and ask people to get the footlong and give me the half they don't/ shouldn't want. Then I'll either start a charity that gives food to homeless people or eat them myself. If I go with the first option I could probably get into a good business school or something like that.

Anxiety Attacks

I feel like anxiety attacks are all the rage these days. Maybe it's because there's so much stress going around. I don't know why people stress out. It's not worth it and unproductive. Even if you stress out you'll still have the same problem except you might also end up breathing into a paper bag like nerds in movies from the 80's. And calling 911 can get expensive. Trust me.