Burning Bridges

So after doing some reconnaissance on press coverage for the event described below I learned that many, many major news outlets have either one or both of us claiming to have hated our old jobs passionately. I'm not saying that that is incorrect, but I'm not sure I used that word. I may have though. I learned I'll say and do anything if you put a camera in front of me. I think I took my pants off at one point.

Shoop

After completely wearing ourselves out at the Unemployment Olympics (I think I threw my arm out on the phone toss so no gym for at least a week) we decided to kick back last night and go for "a drink". Wow, I know its a cliche but seriously, is anyone capable of ever having just one drink?If so, I'd really like to talk to you and get some advice (and potentially counseling). I should have known things were going to get rough when our first beer happened to come in the form of a pitcher -- they just seem so economical, even though you're spending $16 instead of the $4 you had planned -- and it was all downhill from there. Next thing you know we're karaoking to Salt n' Pepa's Shoop with so much enthusiasm you would think we were competing for another free bar tab. Its fascinating how awful and miserable a karaoke bar is until the moment the microphone is in your hands and you convince yourself that you're actually a really good singer, so much better than everyone else, people should pay to watch you perform. After Shoop they wouldn't let us sign up for any more songs...

The things we'll do for free booze

Its amazing the things you'll do when you don't have a job and have plenty of time to kill. The latest being, the Unemployment Olympics. If case you haven't heard of it, it was a day put together for unemployed New Yorkers that involved various events, such as 'Pin the blame on your boss' and a race to the unemployment office. We decided to attend because there were prizes including bar tabs, which Aldous actually won and we proceeded to use immediately. It must have been a slow news day because every media outlet showed up to interview participants. After making a pact to not do any interviews, we were practically chasing after reporters by the end of the day, the taste of fame went right to our heads. We're probably going to be discovered, but y'all can say you knew us back when we were just bloggers...

$5 Footlongs

If you've ever "dined" at Subway you know that most six inch subs are just under five bucks. So now, with this whole five dollar footlong thing, you get twice as much sandwich for an extra eleven cents. Like any normal human being I cannot pass up this deal and always get the footlong regardless of how not hungry I am. After forcing myself to eat many a footlong and wanting to vomit every time I think I came up with a plan. I'll stand outside of Subways and ask people to get the footlong and give me the half they don't/ shouldn't want. Then I'll either start a charity that gives food to homeless people or eat them myself. If I go with the first option I could probably get into a good business school or something like that.

Anxiety Attacks

I feel like anxiety attacks are all the rage these days. Maybe it's because there's so much stress going around. I don't know why people stress out. It's not worth it and unproductive. Even if you stress out you'll still have the same problem except you might also end up breathing into a paper bag like nerds in movies from the 80's. And calling 911 can get expensive. Trust me.

Trader Joes fools me again

I'm sitting here on the couch, exhausted, realizing that I just took a 3 hour trip to Trader Joes, what the hell is wrong with me? Trying to stay on budget I took the bus there and back fighting off mobs of people in the store and waiting on a line that wrapped through every single aisle. You would think that they were giving away shit for free, like what is the draw? The food isn't even that good. In my mind I also carry this false belief that if I'm buying it at Trader Joes its good for you -- like I'm sitting here eating a bucket of "Chocolate Cats" telling myself its ok, its from Trader Joes. Then I get home and look at the labels and realize that if I keep eating all my meals from Trader Joes I'm going to be dead in 5 years. Well kudos to you Trader Joes marketing managers, you have managed to convince me and just about every other retard in New York City that your Hawaiian shirts and "Joes O's" are worth my entire Saturday. I'm going to drown my sorrows in your $3 bottle of Chardonnay.

Has anyone heard of Facebook?

About a week ago I got the piece of mail that every unemployed person dreads - I got selected for a meeting with the Unemployment Office (so I figure I'm busted). I go there this morning expecting, given the state of NYC's economy, to see a lot of people like myself (young, good-looking, well-dressed) but instead it was every unemployed stereotype come to life -- people who look like they've been living off unemployment since Crazy Eddie's closed down and this was the first time they have left their house. I really wish I took a picture of the woman running the session, she was 95 years old, wearing sunglasses and a trenchcoat - I am in no way exaggerating. So shes telling us about all the great resources the worldwide web has available to us - for example, Facebook. "Does anyone here do facebook and can you tell us what is it". At this point there are tears rolling down my face I'm laughing so hard, I look up expecting everyone to be rolling their eyes but no, someone actually raises their hand and explains to the freaks that Facebook is a networking site where you can reconnect with people you've lost touch with, seriously, I'm not joking, people were taking notes. We go through this same thing with LinkedIn and pretty much every website. And that was it, seriously, then it was over, at least I know now that if this is what the government is doing to get people back to work the recession will go on forever, thank you government.

Not so fast Recession

All this talk about the recession coming to an end is really starting to freak me out. Now they're saying it could be over by next year, I mean, what is the rush (stop trying to prove yourself Obama). The worse the state of the economy is, the more people feel sorry for me for not having a job (aka the more drinks they buy me) and the better I can mask the fact that I haven't even begun to look for a job with the whole "things are sooo bad, there are no jobs". Its the people with jobs who should be most concerned about the recession ending, they are the ones truly benefiting with all the "recession pricing" -- 2 for 1 drinks, buy a castle for $5, 10 servants willing to work for food. I think we should all band together to ensure that this recession doesn't go anywhere, you can start by maxing out your credit cards, applying for loans you can't pay back and not returning any work bonuses you have received, your help is much appreciated.

Amazing Race

You kind of feel like a tool for trying out. But then you get there and see so many bigger tools that you think "at least I'm not a 40 year-old tool who lives in Burlington, Vermont". Every thing in life is pretty relative. So if you feel like a loser at any point, just try and find a bigger one to give you comfort. I'm pretty sure we're going to be on the show, by the way. We choked up pretty nicely.

You sir, are missing a lot of teeth

So while follow-through was not something we were known for at work (due to our 5 second attention span), when it comes to things not work-related we're doing much better. One example, our renting a car and driving 6 hours to Vermont to audition for the Amazing Race. We feel that the best way to delay ever having to get real jobs is getting on a reality TV show and then living off our 15 minutes of fame for as long as possible (think Tanya from the Real World). Along the drive we encountered a serious epidemic plaguing upper New England -- the lack of oral hygiene and dentistry. So if Amazing Race doesn't pan out we have a great business idea for a bag of teeth you can buy at the grocery store. Either that or "So You Think You Can Dance".