Movin' On Up

You asked for it and now we've delivered (weird considering we never followed up on anything at work). As we branch out and move on to bigger and better, turns out our awesomeness can no longer be confined by this lame blog. Plus we have a lot more stories from our past lives as corporate slaves that we needed to share. 

So save this in your bookmarks, tell your friends and find us cool jobs.

http://semiadult.com

Digital Will

Apparently there are a bunch of companies popping up these days that help you plan for what will happen to your "online life" once you die. So lets say your facebook account and your blog etc. There are services that you can pay about $30 a year for where you hand over all your passwords and info and then when you die I guess someone has to email them to get all your info. I'm not really sure why anyone would need to do this, like if I die who gives a shit what happens to my facebook page, what is my mom going to log on and write on my wall "Sarah's dead, RIP". The last thing I need is her seeing any of the scandalous pictures that people feel the need to tag me in on facebook. It has gotten me thinking though about what will happen to the blog if lets say Aldous and I get trampled by elephants when we're on the Amazing Race. I'm trying to think of who would be able to carry on our legacy, if you're interested please let me know, requirements include lots of free time and no shame.

Jobs needed to end recession

This is the title of an article today on CNN.com. I did a double take thinking I must not be reading it correctly but thats exactly what it says. I love when people state the stupidly obvious. Ohhh jobs are needed to end the recession, I thought that if people kept losing their jobs the recession would eventually just end. I'm going to start writing for CNN with shocking articles like "Recession bad for the economy" and "Job loss leads to less people working". I'll probably win a Pulitzer. I hope our blog posts are a little more insightful but God knows I've had my bombs. This reminds me of being in meetings when someone says something completely retarded and you're cringing for them thinking about how they're going to get reamed out and then your boss says "Great point Joe, we should share that with the clients." Man, how I don't miss work.

Dating the Unemployed

Theres been a bunch of studies released recently about how people feel about dating the "unemployed", God you would think we were lepers. The good news is that apparently its less of an issue for men when women are unemployed. I really blame those sassy feminists for making it such a big deal for women to have a job. Like wasn't it only 40 years ago when it was cool for women to not work, I'm just trying to uphold American values here. Now when I meet guys at a bar, I tell them that I don't have a job but I love cooking and cleaning and think that men are the superior sex who should be responsible for all decision making and heavy lifting. At least the study says that being unemployed is more attractive than living at home...

Aging in Unemployment

Do I have a problem or are most people scared of getting older? Some people (who I believe are full of shit) love to say that they love getting older because it brings "wisdom" and "confidence" and a bunch of other crap. I like to think I'm pretty wise and confident now, so I'll pass on the arthritis and memory loss. I don't worry about turning 30, I worry about getting old and dying. And just to prove that the grass is always greener I used to be very worried about getting old in a job I hated. I was going to look back at my life and say "that sucked". Now I sometimes worry that I'll look back on my life and think "wow, I didn't have a job for 50 years and live in a box. That wasn't a good choice either." I guess if you get old enough you start thinking the box is a mansion or like a cool lounge area in heaven.  

Hangovers

I just read that the U.S. economy loses over $148 billion a year in reduced productivity or absenteeism due to hangovers. I'm pretty sure a big chunk of that was solely from me and Sarah's old office. I would attribute close to a billion dollars to myself alone. It really wasn't even my fault a lot of times. They'd serve booze at any ridiculous office event. "We won a small portion of the tiniest piece of business on earth, let's have beers", "a client is coming in, wine in the lobby",  "we lost tons of business, shots", "nothing's going on on facebook, let's drop acid". 

Think of how much less severe this great depression thing would have been if people had stopped drinking about a year ago.  So to you employed people, think about it next time you have a drink on a workday. I on the other hand will continue to drink guilt free. 

Battle to the Death

People are always saying they, or their office, or their group of friends or their something deserve a reality show. Normally, I agree politely but know their show would suck more than "Two and a Half Men". And then I sat through most of an episode of the Hills. No one...no human being on earth deserves a reality show less than that group of people. Nothing happens in their lives that is even kinda interesting, except for when Audrina wears bathing suits. So I have an idea for MTV: all the Hills cast members battle to the death (this is filmed) and the last one alive gets to start over with their own show. If that winner will continue to get free tickets to Cabo, Hawaii and free drinks at every club then I'll consider playing a secondary role. So I'll be like that dude Frankie. And don't think you can steal my idea now MTV, it's been documented. I'm like a lawyer. 

Jizz in My Pants

Thanks to Andy Samberg I'm never going to get another job...and possibly another date or another friend. Since the day I first saw 'Jizz in My Pants' I have not stopped saying 'jizz in my pants' -- "Hey Sarah, how was the movie? It was so funny I jizzed in my pants", "When you see what that dude is wearing you are going to jizz in your pants". Its a good thing that I'm not actively seeking employment (just kidding NY State) because I'm fairly certain that I couldn't control myself in an interview - "The brand strategy that I developed for my accounts would make you jizz in your pants, sir". I'm practically afraid to answer the phone when my parents call because I'm afraid it will slip out, in which case I would be promptly shipped to the closest convent.  Oh and heres the kicker, I just realized about 2 days ago that not everyone is familiar with the video, so probably 50% of people who I've said this to just think I'm a dirty whore. With the subsequent releases of the "I'm on a Boat" and "I'm the Boss" videos this is pretty much what a conversation with me sounds like:

Anyone: How was the food last night?

Sarah: Awesome, I jizzed in my pants.

Anyone: What are you doing today?

Sarah: I'm on a boat

Anyone: When are you updating the blog?

Sarah: I'm the boss

I know, I'm awesome.

Small Business Resources

As you may know (from having read our "Internet Therapy" interview) both Sarah and I are working on our own 'entrepreneurial endeavors'. Once you start digging it's pretty impressive the amount of free stuff and advice you can get from the city for your small business. So we've been to two different classes this week offered by the Small Business Branch of the public library. I'm gonna say they were good because I felt productive being there, but I can't vouch for the actual content. I zoned out two minutes into it, kept looking at my watch, and had to focus pretty hard so that Sarah's non-stop giggling at the weird teacher wouldn't make me laugh. Most people there were pretty old so at least we have a head start. Most of them had trouble with words and numbers too so competition won't be that bad either. But thanks city for doing something with some of my tax dollars.

Tough Love

I'm so excited. I just saw today that there is going to be another season of VH1's Tough Love and they are currently holding auditions. For those of you living under a rock, Tough Love is a reality show where a matchmaker dude helps sluts overcome their dating issues and find love. Its actually humiliating for the girls on the show because you watch them get rejected by guys and cry about how their dads never loved them so now they're scarred for life. The only reason I want to be on it is because each girl is given a nickname, for example Miss Picky or Miss Gold Digger, and I cannot wait to see what name I would be given. Some contenders could be: Miss Boozes-a-lot, Miss Unemployed, Miss Laughs-too-loud, I'm sure my 'friends' have plenty others to add.

What the F is H1N1?

Just as I get accustomed to hearing people drone on about the swine flu (if you're in the US, its a cold, go buy some Sudafed) now everyone is talking about the H1N1 virus. I had to google it to find out if they are the same thing and way too many things came up for me to read so I'm going to go ahead and assume they are. I wonder if the national anti-defamation organization of swines boycotted the phrase "swine flu" as slanderous to the pork industry. Either that or people just want to sound like they're talking about chemical equations. I just find it confusing, like when they starting calling the Persian Gulf War, Desert Storm.

Economy Bottoming Out

That Bernanke dude told Congress today that the economy is bottoming out and should grow again later this year. This'll be good for some of our 'entrepreneurial endeavors' (my response when people ask what I do all day) but I feel like I should do more to take advantage of the situation. I've decided to step up my purchasing of stocks, real estate, boats, and Subway franchises. If anyone would like to join my little empire please contact me and I'll let you know where to drop off your investment/ suitcase with cash. If none of those work out this site's name will be changed to: unemployedeventhoughtheresnoexcuseforit.blogspot.com. We'll keep you posted.

I'm scared of Duane Reade workers

For those of you outside New York, Duane Reade is the equivalent of CVS except instead of sweet old ladies, their employees are from a work-release program and there to intimidate customers rather than help them find toilet paper. I think its pretty safe to say that Duane Reade is the only place in the city where you can get a box of HotPockets and an ass-whooping in the same trip. I've wandered around the store for hours trying to find paper clips, doing my best invisible impression, because asking someone to help you would be received with either "yo bitch I'm on break" or "I don't fuckin know, get out of my face". Once there was a woman in line in front of me (clearly new to town) who thought the price on one of her items was wrong so she nicely said "I think that's $1.99" (everyone in the store let out a loud gasp), the criminal-in-training working behind the counter responded with "lady, there is no need to get loud, I don't know the price of every item in the store, do you want it or not?" and then walked away and never came back. I slowly put my items down and ran out of the store before there was a shoot out. I keep telling myself that if I got a job there I would shoot right to the top of the Duane Reade management ladder but I'm starting to wonder if part of the interview process is proving that you can 'cut a bitch' and hold your own in a fist fight and I haven't been in a fist fight in months...

Lil' Kim

I'm talking to my parents on the phone last night - the usual deal where they are both on the phone from different wings of the house - when my mom asks me if I watch 'Dancing with the Stars'. My immediate thought is that I really dislike the idea of them watching 20 year olds with very little clothing on bumping and grinding on the dance floor. Once I got that imagine out of my head I tell them that I don't watch it. My mom proceeds to tell me that there are only 5 couples left and goes through each one "...wait, I'm missing one, Giles, Melissa...oh, Lil' Kim!". And she doesn't say "Little Kim", she actually says "Lil' Kim", now picture my 68 year old, 5'1 mom with her thick Irish accent saying that and you'll know why I was so concerned. I asked her if she knew that Lil' Kim had been in prison and she practically yelled in my face "it was only a misdemeanor!" Wow. At least I know I'll have their support when I start robbing convenience stores.

Swine Flu

Swine Flu? For realz? What the fuck? I don't have health insurance for a minute and it's like the goddamn movie Outbreak (or some people have said 28 Days Later but I didn't watch that). What are the odds? I never get sick so I decide to take my chances and not get health insurance and now a cold that pigs get is attacking the world. A fucking pig cold. So now I'm debating this whole face mask thing. It makes you look like a paranoid dumbass and I'm not convinced it keeps anything out. It seems like a very primitive form of protection so I'm not buying it. I don't care what "medical professionals" say. Michael Jackson was really ahead of the game on this one.

Other People's Homework

I just did homework for a friend. An 8 page paper on ethics in education. Just cause I had some free time. Homework was my arch-nemesis for 17 years but maybe it's a good way to make some extra dough, or in this case get a free Subway footlong. So if anyone needs any help with a paper let me know. I have a few rules though, it must be the kind of paper that can be filled with lots of bullshit, it must not require much, if any, research, and has a short minimum page requirement (no limits on font size or double spacing). And I don't remember how to properly site sources so you'll be responsible for that.

This unemployment thing has made me really well rounded...if you count going to a taping of Martha Stewart, winning an unemployment olympics event, and helping everyone move being well rounded.

And no, I'm not hanging out with high schoolers, it was homework for a masters degree. Just kidding, all my friends are in high school.  

Kill some time

Two videos for those of you bored at your offices (and who isn't?) and those of you bored on your couch (I don't know why that would bore you).

Like a Boss

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NisCkxU544c

*best line: "promote synergy". Synergy is the most common "try and use a business-y type" word. 

Tea Partay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTU2He2BIc0

* yes, it's old, I know. It's still funny though. Jerk.

Should we buy oil?

So I'm at the gym this morning, sweating my ass off on the elliptical machine when the guy on the machine next to me answers his phone. Now this is a major pet peeve of mine, people talking on their phone while working out. Like how hard are you working out if you can talk on the phone? I can barely breathe while I'm working out, nevermind hold a conversation. So this guy answers the phone and says "I think we should buy oil. Its at $2 a barrel." If I hadn't witnessed it I wouldn't believe it myself. I'm pretty sure that this guy was either a) talking to no one or b) talking to his mom. I completely understand that its not only unemployed people at the gym at 11am and that people who are independently wealthy need to stay in shape too but not at my gym. My gym has 3 elliptical machines and one is broken all the time, there is no air conditioning and the trainers there are in worse shape than I am so not exactly a place where big-time investors are hanging out. Maybe he was just trying to impress me, in which case, I'm totally flattered but I'm not into dudes in matching spandex UnderArmour shirts and shorts.

In case you hadn't heard...

You've probably heard people talking about it around the water cooler (if you have a job) or at Subway (if you're unemployed) but just in case you didn't...I rode the mechanical bull for so long at Johnny Utahs last week that they eventually just had to stop it. Thats right, the bull eventually just gave up and I have the bruises to prove it. Finally, all my time at the gym has begun to pay off. I know this has absolutely nothing to do with unemployment but in my mind it has everything to do with awesomeness (and yes thats me in the pic). I'm available for lessons.

Unemployment Grief Counselor

I realized something funny last week as layoffs continued at the company that I wasted five years of my life at. As soon as someone gets laid off they call me. Literally I am the first phone call they make, before they break the news to their parents or roommates, they call/e-mail me to tell me the news and the e-mail usually ends with "so now we can hang out all the time". First of all, I didn't want to hang out with you when I worked with you (and thought I made that crystal clear at the time) so now that I am not forced to socialize with you I will not be taking time out of my freedom-filled, enjoyable life to do so. Second of all, I am not sitting around doing nothing waiting for people to call me to hang out. I'm actually much more productive now that I don't have a corporate job and actually do a lot less going out. But in all seriousness I think there could be a career in this unemployment counseling. People call me to get the POV of someone who has gotten laid off and couldn't be happier about it. So I tell them about how much better their life is going to be and all the things they are going to be able to do, also where they can get $7 Bud Light pitchers on a Monday night (I have to go out once in a while). The sad thing is that most people are more freaked out by the thought of going to the gym everyday and pursing jobs that they actually like that they jump right back into crappy, dead-end jobs that make them miserable. Oh well, all I can do is try, the faster they get jobs the sooner they'll stop calling me to hang out anyway.